Tuesday, 23 June 2015

All I wanted

I think infertility blogging is a lot like songwriting or poetry.  The best content comes from a place of heartbreak, when you're so unhappy you just need to write to get everything out.  But once you make it through the dark times, it's damn hard to write from a place of happiness.  You're not dissecting your life in exquisite, agonizingly artistic detail anymore.  You're just enjoying being happy!

That's kind of what it's like around here lately.  I don't really have anything to bitch about, so this blog has been pretty quiet.  Cue inevitable "whither my infertility blog now?" discussion.  Even when I was still in the trenches, I liked it when my bloggy friends who had made it to the other side posted every once in a while with updates on their life with baby.  I mean, I didn't want to know about every sleepless night or dirty diaper, but it was nice to read they were doing well and I liked seeing/hearing about their babies from time to time.  I kind of figure this is what I'm going to do myself.  I'm just going to post updates whenever I have the time or desire, and if you're into that I'm glad.  If it's too hard for you at times, or you're in a bad place, then I get it.  I didn't want to read any complaining about baby's first tooth when I was fresh off a negative pee stick either.  It's cool.

So yeah...things around here are going pretty great!  Q is charming the virtual pants off of everyone he meets, and is continuing to keep things pretty chill at home.  Last week we ventured out to our first ever mom-and-baby activity, a free afternoon infant program at a local province-run centre.  He was one of the younger babies there, but I think he got a huge kick out of looking at all the other babies and he definitely enjoyed the song circle time, while mama was quite happy to engage in some adult conversation!  We'll be going back for sure.

Development-wise, Q is starting to get a lot more interactive which is fun.  We have full-on cooing conversations now, and just this week he started trying to grasp and bat at some toys which is a whole lot better than me sitting there just shaking them at him.  He absolutely loves standing up, and basically can fully support his own weight as long as you're holding him to stop him from toppling to the side.  This was really cute at first (especially given the look of pride he wears on his face while he's doing it) but it's also really fucking hard on the arms after a while.  Guess I'll just have to suck it up and get me some awesome biceps.


The one area that is starting to be a bit more challenging is sleep.  Q has always been a pretty good sleeper, and back around 6 or 7 weeks old had gotten to the point where he was only waking once a night to feed.  He even teased us with a blissful few nights where he slept about 10 or 12 hours, straight through from 8pm to about 6am.  It was awesome.


Then we had one weekend where we had tons of family visiting, and he hardly napped at all due to the overstimulation.  This totally threw him off, and we still haven't gotten back to where we were.  Right now he's waking twice, once around 3am and again around 5:30am.  The 3 o'clock feed isn't so bad since he's all business and back to sleep, but the 5:30 one is a bitch because it's starting to get light outside and he's like, "IT'S MORNING!" and hence he's almost impossible to put back down at that point.  Daytime naps are also proving to be a bit of a challenge.  He used to just kind of nap wherever/whenever, but I've been trying to start more of a routine by swaddling him and taking him upstairs to his crib.  He'll usually settle eventually, but crib naps seem to be capped at about 30 minutes right now whereas swing/stroller/carseat naps can last upwards of two hours, so you can guess which ones are more appealing to me.  I know it's still early days but I really don't want to get into the habit of needing to rock or nurse him to sleep.  I'd also like to get a bit of consistency going, since some days he'll have a couple of big long naps but other days he takes four or five short ones and I never know which day will be which, so it makes things a bit difficult to plan.  Can I do some dinner prep or will he be awake in 10 minutes?  It's a mystery!

So yeah...I'm happy which makes me boring blog-wise.  A couple of times over the past few weeks I've had random moments where it's hit me all over again that we made it through to the other side of infertility.  Like, we'll be walking to the dog park with Buddy on his leash and Q in his stroller, and it's sunny and the smell of lilac is in the air and we stop and buy iced tea from some kids on the street and I just think, "Yes.  This is it.  This is all I wanted.  Was it really so much to ask for?"  It seems so simple, and it should be so simple for everyone.  Yet it wasn't, and isn't.  But I wish it was.

21 comments:

  1. We're in the exact same place as far as sleep. Except my son doesn't actually NEED to eat at 3 (he's 17 weeks tomorrow), but he still wakes up just about every night and won't settle back down. He teased me with a few glorious nights of 9-10 hours, but since then it's been lots and lots (and LOTS) of getting up to quiet him with pacis between the hours or 12-4. And naps are all over the place. Some naps don't even count (daycare recorded one for a whopping 8 minutes) and some are two plus hours. I feel like we're creating some really crappy sleep habits, but I feel unable to stop the cycle and the downward spiral.

    Glad you're doing well and that Q is becoming a happy, smiley, if not sleepy baby! It's good to hear from you!

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    1. Pacis have been a total no-go around here. It sucks when you can't figure out what to do to make things better, but everything you ARE doing seems to be something that you are warned will cause more problems down the line!

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  2. I love your last paragraph.
    Glad you are so happy! You deserve it and thanks for the update!

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    1. Thanks, mama. :) This will be you before too long!

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  3. The 3 and 5:30 wake up is what I am currently trying to get back to, as sleep regression hit my four month old daughter HARD and she was up every 1-2 hours. Thankfully, she goes back down after the 5:30 feeding, so I don't mind either of them too much (she is a much more efficient eater now, too, which is nice). I used the swing for naps as long as it worked, and then we moved to the Rock n Play in the nursery. She doesn't do the whole crib thing very well at all. It feels like we will never be able to break the swaddle/Rock n play addiction, but I hope it will happen in a month or so and not kill us in the process.

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    1. I am legit terrified of the 4 month sleep regression. Q has NEVER woken every 1-2 hours, so the thought of that happening fills me with dread and anticipatory fatigue.

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  4. ha ha, i hear you on the arms... I used to have upper arms like match sticks, soft and slender, nothing moved. My DE baby is now over 2 years and 13 kilos, and the other day I was shocked at seeing actual muscle rolling in my arm ;-)
    Can't remember all the variations in sleep schedule. because just when you are on schedule another tooth or another cold happens and you start all over again. Enjoy the good nights and the good naps while you can!

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    1. Hey, it's cheaper than a gym membership, and you don't really have the option of quitting, right?

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  5. How awesome. I hope you have a great summer! Sleep, I dunno what to say because you think you have it figured out then something changes. Good for you for trying not to nurse to sleep. I still do that often because, so much easier than any other option I can think of. I like to just work with what seems to work with the baby rather than "she must sleep from X to X" because that just sounds like a recipe for stress to me. But everyone is different. Look forward to you updates whenever they happen! it's a beautiful life.

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    1. Yeah well, I say "try" not to nurse to sleep...that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. A lot. It's the most powerful weapon in the arsenal! I was just working on it because I had a week where I had a lot of stuff happening in the evening (dance recital, rehearsals, etc) and I would basically nurse Q for his last feed and blast out the door, meaning M was left to try to get him down to sleep without the handy dandy boobs around. It didn't go well, so unless I'm planning to never go out in the evening again we need to get this situation under control!

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  6. Glad things are going so well! I think that I only started to blog more when I headed back to work because I had some time on the train/during lunch/if things at work were slow- otherwise, I don't know when I would have found time! But I love reading every update so hopefully you will continue to blog!

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    1. See, I know the opposite is going to happen for me. We have a firewall meaning I can't blog from work, even on lunch breaks, so I know for sure I'm going to drop off big time when I go back in March. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it!

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  7. The last lines: well said, wise woman, well said.
    I love that you are happy! With all my heart.

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  8. It's so good to hear from you!!! and so good to hear you so happy :) as for sleep, yeah, mine are 18 months and we still can't seem to figure it out. Naps have always been pretty easy, yet here we are today and my son had to cry for about 15 minutes before finally (I hope) falling asleep. He cried for 10 minutes before that, but I went in to comfort him, we read a book, and back down he went. It's an ongoing struggle at night. Ayden and Rylee take turns on who is the difficult sleeper. However, isn't it fantastic that sleep (or lack of) is now our biggest issue? I still have a hard time believing that we actually have kids!

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  9. Love that you're so happy!

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  10. I'm so happy you're happy! I wish I had some sage advice on sleep, but I've been a total zombie for 14 months, and now she's cutting molars. MOLARS. So it's rough. But she was never a great sleeper, so maybe Q will get back on track? I hope that's the case. Glad you're enjoying the mama-baby class!

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  11. Ah, sleep. It's constantly changing. I try to enjoy the times when sleep is good, and hope that the bad sleeping periods don't last too long. I swear just when I get comfortable and think how well it's going, someone starts teething or hits a regression. It's a good problem to have - even if I don't always appreciate it at 2am.
    I love to read happy, boring posts about happy, boring lives from all my bloggy friends.

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  12. 100% agree. It's sooo much easier to find writing inspiration when things are going poorly. All of my favorite books are depressing - who the hell wants to read about someone's happy, perfect life? Bo-ring!

    I think the transition is difficult because infertility blogging was such a part of all of our identities - and there was always something going on - some test, some procedure, some tragedy. So now that those things have ceased it's diffcult to figure out what to talk about. Especially when, like you said, everything is going perfectly and talking about it just feels braggy. Especially for sarcastics and cynics.

    I like your strategy - checking in every once in a while, recounting milestones. I'm trying to do the same without forcing it. I for one love hearing about everyone who is now parenting after infertility, even if those updates are infrequent. And we deserve this happiness, dammit! Cynical or not.

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  13. I'm thrilled at how happy you are. And yes, it should be so easy for everyone. Keep checking in--even if it's just every once in a while. I like getting updates from those who have made it through. And I kind of need a roadmap of what to expect--I'm feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment.

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  14. I think you hit the nail on the head with your first paragraph. Plus, even if there are difficult things, you have less time to write about them, so they need to be really hard before any decent blogging occurs ;)
    I'm glad you are so happy. And yeah, it shouldn't be that hard.

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  15. I know exactly how you feel which is why I haven't written for two months. Its hard. I always wondered why my favorite bloggers would stop writing when they made it to the "other side" and swore I'd never be like that….and now I get it. So glad you are happy and are Q's mama.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!