Monday, 6 May 2013

Everyone loves a good poop story

Have you guys ever been around a group of new parents telling baby poop stories?  You know the kind.  There's the one where new dad opens his first really gross diaper and almost vomits while mom laughs.  There's the one about baby getting his hands into his own poop during a diaper change and smearing it all over himself.  And then there's my personal favourite, the "poop blowout", where baby poops so vociferiously that it simply cannot be contained by the diaper, shooting simultaneously up baby's back and down baby's legs so that the feet of her onesie are sagging.

New parents love this shit (pardon the pun).  I can't say I've ever been sorry not to have been able to participate.  But now, even though I remain babyless, I also have a poop story to tell.

As our anniversary gift, M's parents got us tickets to see a show at the Stratford Festival, which is a large theatre festival that runs all summer in the picturesque town of Stratford, a few hours west of Toronto.  Stratford is also now famous as the hometown of Justin Bieber, but we won't hold that against it.  M and I decided to make a weekend getaway of it and booked a hotel room to spend the night in Stratford.  M's folks volunteered to dog-sit so we dropped our friend Buddy the beagle off with them and their hyper-energetic Airedale Terrier on our way.

What we discovered about five minutes after leaving the house is that Buddy is most definitely not one of those dogs that enjoys going for car rides.  Which is unfortunate, as the ride to M's parents' house is about an hour and a half.  On the way there he whined, paced and panted, but eventually he calmed a bit and lay down.

Our drive home was a different story altogether.   Buddy got in the car and immediately lay down.  M and I congratulated ourselves on how quickly we had helped him to overcome his car phobia.  There may have been a celebratory fist bump involved.  And then things went sideways.

I don't know if Buddy was under residual stress from having spent the night away from home with strange people and a strange dog.  Maybe the car was too hot, or we just pushed things by taking him on two long car rides in as many days.  But he was most definitely unhappier on the ride home, pushing himself between the front seats to perch on the armrest and look anxiously out the front window.  We had lowered the back seats so that he had a nice big flat area covered in a blanket to lay down on, but he just couldn't settle.  He moved to my lap, then to the backseat again.  Then he hung his head and puked.  He walked around a little bit, and puked again. 

We thought the worst was over.  We were wrong.

After a few more stressful trips up to the front seat and back, he went to the very back of the car by the hatchback.  He looked at us mournfully, squat, and shat his little guts out.  Then he walked a few steps, and shat again.  A few steps more, and another few little squirts.  By the end of it, what was coming out of him pretty much looked like brown-tinted saliva instead of actual poop.  When he was all done, he went to his dog bed, curled up inside, and hung his head over the side.  If a dog had a hangover, this is what it would have looked like.  The worst part was that we were still about 40 minutes from home when this happened, and had to endure the stench for the rest of the ride.

You'll all be happy to know that once we got home, Buddy quickly reverted to his happy-go-lucky self and forgot all about his car ride ordeal.  M and I, on the other hand, remain traumatized and aren't sure how we are going to handle car rides with Buddy in future.  The only saving grace is that our strategically placed blanket saved us from having to have the entire interior of the car shampooed, or possibly just set on fire and shoved off a cliff.

On the plus side, we now feel adequately prepared to counter any new-parent poop story with one of our own, and to handle said baby poop when/if we should ever encounter it ourselves.

Oh, and we had a lovely weekend in Stratford.  Thanks for asking.

16 comments:

  1. Hahahaha...I'm so sorry... Hahahahaha

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  2. One of our dogs was the same way when we first got him. I made the mistake of bringing him on the boat one time. Yup, both ends! Even though he loves the car now I'm still too afraid to try him on the boat again. Still traumatized from that one. Glad Buddy recovered just fine though. We learned to carry around paper towels and a cleaning spray for the early car vomit days.

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  3. Clearly your in-laws got Buddy drunk.

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  4. The poop story to beat all poop stories. I'm laughing, I'm crying. I'm imagining your shit-filled car in flames, rolling down the side of a cliff and then exploding. Just like in the movies.

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  5. Once again. ROTFLMAO!
    We have a near poop story. As I had a meeting after work on the night before our first IUI, it was a FUFFY (Fuck yoU Fend For Yourself) night and Husband decided to get a burritto from Chipolte. As soon as I arrived for my procedure, he announced he had to go evacuate. I was glad my RE was running late, as I could only imagine the humiliation "Oh where's Husband? he's blowing up your bathroom, can we wait 5-10 minutes more?" Fortunately, he was done in time (and I think someone else used the WC and could absorb the blame). The night before our recent attempt, I cooked cheese raveoli with plain tomato sauce and prepared a salad for dinner, explaining that I didn't want a repeat of what nearly happened last time. I arrived at the office and he announces "I had eggs for breakfast and need a poop..."

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  6. Oh my goodness!!! Poor Buddy and poor you guys, too!! My pup gets car sick too, but she just pukes... Thank goodness :)

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  7. OMG! Well I'm glad to hear that Buddy's feeling better. We watched my parent's dogs over a long weekend and one got so stressed she became a puke fountain (2 steps, puke, 2 steps puke)...but in a car...MUCH worse!

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  8. Just saying... oooooppps! Glad to hear that you had blankets spread out in the car and that Buddy is already feeling better.

    You will definitely top any baby poop story with this one!

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  9. Oh. Em. GEE!! I would have voted for setting the car on fire. GAH!!!!

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  10. Ewwww!!! Oh, poor Buddy... do you think it was mostly the stress of being in the car that caused this shitty episode? Or was he actually car sick? I wonder if it's worth giving him a sedative for any long rides in the future... in any case, that's definitely a poo "war story" worth sharing.

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  11. HA HA HA HA HA HA oh man that sounds AWFUL. Poor Buddy definitely doesn't like the car- poor guy.

    I have a similar story. Long story short- our older dog got diarrhea in our car- we were actually not in the car at the time- but when we came out, it was a horrendous smell. It was January in New Hampshire (aka REALLY COLD), but we had to drive to CP's mom's house to get a steam cleaner to the car. It still smelled a bit when we had to drive back down to CT (3 hour drive) the next day. My poor car.....

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  12. Oh wow. It's hard to know who to feel more sorry for - you and M or Buddy. (I think the balance tips slightly in your favour on this one.)

    This definitely tops my dog + poop + vehicle story. Years ago I had taken my dogs out into the country with me to go berry picking. I thought they'd have a grand time running through the open fields. And they did. But Seamus had a little TOO much fun when he found a fresh cow patty. Yep. He rolled in it. Fresh, mushy cow shit all over his back, ground into his long fur. I did my best to scrape it off with a snow brush, but it was futile. I had to drive home with him (over an hour away) like that - with every window open the entire way. Good times.

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  13. Poor Buddy :(. My dog tends to puke in the car so the backseat is covered with a towel and we have extra cleanup supplies ready if she does. There are some natural pet stress relieving pills and things that could help him relax in the car. they never worked for my dog, but then she is a ball of stress that needs prozac.

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  14. HAHAHAHHAHA I love it!!!! sooo hilarious, and you are right, everyone really does love a good poop story and whoever denies it is lying! so glad Buddy is feeling better now :)

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  15. I am sorry that this happened, but the story was hilarious. You'll be telling it for years to come. Funny in retrospect, right? That poor puppy.

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  16. OMGoodness. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help laughing out loud reading this. I am sitting here at work trying not to laugh too loud. Poor puppy and poor you guys. That truly is the best ever (most awful) poop story of all time.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!