Monday, 6 January 2014

It's on like Donkey Kong

If Donkey Kong was female.  And infertile.  And having an FET.

Never mind.  None of this is like Donkey Kong at all, now that I think about it.

My clinic called and instructed me to start taking my Estrace today.  So now I'm back to inserting those little blue pills where the sun don't shine for the next couple of weeks.  I specifically asked them if it was possible to time things so that the transfer takes place after M gets back from his business trip later this month, and they said that shouldn't be a problem at all.  They'll just have me keep taking Estrace for a little bit longer before I start progesterone.  Easy peasy!

The only other change from my last FET is that I've been instructed to start taking one baby aspirin daily.  I've heard of lots of other women taking it during cycles, and while the exact benefits aren't fully known, it's believed to help promote placental blood flow which should hopefully improve my chances of implantation.  Whatever it takes, right? 

You guys, I really really want to be excited about this transfer.  But the truth is I'm pretty petrified.  If this doesn't work...that's it.  It's game over for my genetic material.  I have to give up on the idea of ever having my own biological child.  And while there are certain genetic traits that it's probably better that I don't pass on (my family's signature weak chin and near-legendary lack of flexibility, for instance), I'm going to have to grieve the loss of this person that won't ever exist.  A person who is a little part of me.  Not to mention that, after already spending two years on this horrible infertility journey, I'll be turning a corner only to realize that we're not even halfway to our destination.  I'll need to start researching donor egg clinics abroad, contacting them for info, and making arrangements for new testing and treatments.  As I commented on The Unexpected Trip (a wonderfully written blog that you should totally read if you don't already), it feels like I'm climbing a hill and won't know until I get to the top if I’ve reached the summit, or if I’ve just cleared the first foothill on my way to a mountain range.

I know that there are lots of you out there who've done donor egg (and succeeded!) and I'll definitely be turning to you ladies for strength and advice if it comes to that.  But for now, I'm just going to keep moving forward, one little blue vagina pill at a time.

22 comments:

  1. I don't blame you for feeling terrified, but I'm also crossing fingers and holding out hope for THIS cycle. New year, new beginnings and all that! Enjoy the blue vag!

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  2. How exciting!! I didn't have to stick them where the sun don't shine but whatever helps thicken that lining is all worth it! I 100% get the petrified feeling. A week in since my transfer and the waiting game is no fun. Best of luck!

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  3. Good luck!! I will be thinking of you this cycle!

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  4. Good luck to you this cycle. Thinking of you

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  5. You got this, friend. Butt loads of positivity sent your way!

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  6. I can only imagine how high the stakes must seem. Having gotten to see, and yet not to keep, two little people that look like me, I understand the longing. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way! I'm glad they are willing to accommodate M's business trip - and that you know there are alternatives should this cycle not work. We'll all be rooting for you!

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  7. Yes, you keep moving forward with that blue pill! It's not going to come to donor egg. I have faith this is it for you! I'm so glad you can time it with M's travel too!

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  8. I'm glad that your clinic came through for this month, they're being flexible with timing so M can be there. As for being petrified, I hear ya. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the pros of donor eggs as a coping mechanism (although this may backfire if/when my eggs pull through), but I don't think you can mourn fully until you know for sure. Until then, we just move forward, petrified. Your mountain climbing metaphor is so good and so apt. It's just so hard to keep keep going when you don't know how much farther you have to go. Of course you know I'm rooting for your eggs; you haven't given up on mine and I haven't given up on yours!!

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  9. You are moving right along and one step closer :) Come on eggs!

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  10. I think it's great that you are learning more about your donor egg options while you are in the thick of this FET. I was the same way with my donor cycle and adoption. It really helped me stay calm and positive knowing that if one path didn't work out, I already had a head start on another. I will be cheering you on every step of the way no matter where your path leads :)

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  11. It's funny (I've been caught in this with my RE's office) that timing issues that we perceive as being no big deal, will be critical to them (I have to come in for my baseline scan on day 3, but if I don't have a cyst present, won't it still not be there on day 4) and dates and events that we think could be game changers, get the "eh, we can work around that!" Glad to hear it's on. Like Donkey Kong, which I'm sure can somehow be related to infertility. Give me a minute to work on this...

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  12. oh vaginal estrogen. the joy. I am glad you can continue a little longer to wait till M is home. Try to focus on one thing at a time. If you decide to pursue donor egg, we are here for you! We have the info and the experience and all kinds of advice you may not want or need! And yes, it will take time to grieve that biological loss. But there is time for that too. One thing at a time! One vag pill at a time!

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  13. I totally get what you're feeling and the grieving part, the hoping-that-this-is-it combined with the grieving-for-the-loss-of-a-part-of-you. Bob often jokes about my dad's flat nose and his buck teeth and if our kids would inherit that... I am so afraid that our future children won't have a chance to inherit a piece of me (and my dad). I don't blame you. I would be petrified too. Like what Kimberly said, one thing at a time. Hoping for a nice BFP in the very near future.

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  14. I'm really hoping this is your cycle. Fingers crossed!

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  15. I totally understand feeling petrified when you feel like it's your last chance. But I have a really good feeling about this FET and fingers crossed that all works out perfectly (timing-wise and BFP-wise)!

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  16. I'm glad to hear that the FET is moving forward and that your husband can be there for you. I hope everything just works out fantastically!

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  17. Wishing you the best of luck with your FET and I'm glad that your husband will be able to make it. I took baby aspirin during my cycle and as you know, it was a success!

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  18. I took baby aspirin as part of my protocol. Maybe it will be the thing that makes the difference.
    I am rooting so hard for you! I hope this is the start of an amazing year for you.

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  19. I'm taking baby aspirn with this protocol as well. The doctor says that it can also help prevent blood clots (which can come from hormone use). There's a history of stroke in my family, but I've heard that it's common for everyone at my clinic to take this as part of their protocol.

    As for knowing it's your last attempt with your own genetics. I've been there. For me it was such a tricky head space to navigate. Feeling like this is the one that is going to work vs. trying to mentally prepare (once again, but in a bigger way) that it may not. Tricky stuff.

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  20. Praying and hoping that this FET brings your baby. Just keeping taking those little pills and focus on your hope and faith! Rooting for you.

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  21. Wishing you all the luck in the world! I know what it's like to face the DEIVF decision. It's frightening. But it's not as bad as you think. (And although such a child wouldn't be your genetic child, s/he *will* be your biological child. See: http://blog.pved.org/?cat=232 .) Count me in as one of the people you know you can turn to if you need to. For now, fingers crossed for Saturday!! xoxo

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  22. I hope this cycle is the one that works out for you, but if it doesn't, I am more than willing to be a sounding board for any questions you might have about donor eggs. Or if no questions, just someone who has been there that you can vent to. It's a road I never thought we would go down, using donor eggs, but I would do it all over again if I had to.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!