Sunday, 2 March 2014

BS tolerance level: Zero

Yeah, I've been a pretty shit blogger lately.  It actually has surprisingly little to do with the aftermath of my chemical pregnancy or my mom's breast cancer diagnosis, and much more to do with the fact that I've been having a crap time at work.  But more about that in a sec.  First, some nice things that have happened in the last little while:
  • I would be incredibly remiss if I didn't thank the wonderful Jane Allen of Mine To Command for the lovely flowers she sent me to cheer me up after my chemical.  How could I not smile coming home to these every day?  Thank you so much, Jane.  You rock.
Bloggy friends are the best friends!
  • I booked a trip home to see my family.  I haven't seen them since this past summer, and with all that's been going on it just felt like a good time to go.  The best part is that I'm keeping it a secret (my dad is my only co-conspirator) so it will be a great surprise for my mom, sister and niece.
  • I did one of those stupid quizzes that keeps popping up on my Facebook page.  You know, the "Which X movie/TV show character are you?" ones.  Except this one was "Which Joss Whedon heroine are you?" and I got Faith from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  Which is fucking awesome, because everyone knows she's the best one.  No, really.  You got River Tam?  Bitch, please.
Now, back to ranting.  Face it, you know you come here for my rants.  Over the past couple of weeks, my bullshit tolerance level has sunk to an all-time low of zero.  I chalk it up to the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of pretty heavy stuff in my personal life, so I don't have a great deal of patience or sympathy for things like stupid drivers and workplace politics.  Sorry not sorry, but all of my emotional resources are tied up.  Looking for someone to give a fuck?  Look somewhere else.

Work in particular has been testing my resolve not to spontaneously punch people in the face.  Coinciding with this past FET cycle I was working on a project that was micromanaged to within an inch of its life, resulting in all members of the team (not just me) ending up feeling incredibly disenfranchised and disgruntled.  It was a struggle just making it through the day without a) yelling at someone or b) bursting into tears.  Often, both happened anyway.  Unfortunately, this also resulted in me being a terribly inconsistent commenter on other blogs.  On good days I tried pretty hard to still be there for my bloggy friends, but on bad days I literally did not even have the emotional energy to churn out a "good luck this cycle!" and for that, I apologize.

Anyway, earlier this week things came to a head.  First of all, because I now give absolutely zero fucks, I approached one particular problem at work in a somewhat reckless manner that could have blown up in my face pretty badly.  Lucky for me things worked out and we achieved the result we wanted, but it was a decision based purely on the fact that I was in a horrible mood when I made it.  The reason I was in said horrible mood had to do with the fact that earlier in the day, I had attended a meeting where I basically gave voice to all of the negative feelings that had arisen on the micromanaged project.  And by "gave voice to", I really mean "spewed my displeasure in a Pompeii-like flow of vitriol at the very people who did the micromanaging".  It wasn't well received (read: stunned looks and dead silence followed by change of subject), because no one likes to be told how much they suck.  But a number of other employees made a point of coming to me afterwards and thanking me for my comments because they agreed that, even if they don't change anything, they needed to be said.

I've been dying for a reason to use this gif

In all seriousness, the past few weeks have highlighted to me that for me personally, the "anger" stage of grief is the one that I tend to get stuck in the most.  It's weird because I feel as if I've genuinely reached acceptance of the fact that I can't have a biological child, but I keep backtracking to anger on the stupidest things regardless.  There's a lot here that I should probably just save for a separate post, but suffice it to say that it's probably no shocker that I came out as Faith on the Joss Whedon quiz.  Which I still think is awesome.  But yeah, girl's got anger issues.

32 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you're in a bad place right now. I will continue to think of you and with all my heart hope that something great comes your way soon.

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    1. Thanks T. I could use something great!

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  2. You have every right to crawl back to that stage of anger... I always felt that I had all the stages at once- and I never knew which one would tear it's ugly head first. Thinking of you. XO

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    1. So true. For me it's a toss-up between anger and depression. Those two come out at the drop of a hat. It sucks not to be in control of how we feel.

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  3. Anger, and / or intolerance of BS, is not necessarily a bad thing - often it leads to positive change!
    My only advice would be to look at your support systems and make sure you have people you can say things to that maybe aren't appropriate to say at work - so you can still vent but not have it backfire. But again, when it's considered, it can be a very good thing to draw that line and say "nobody crosses this!" As for the IF stuff, it's just horribly complicated and even if you reach acceptance, it doesn't mean everything's OK all the time - there's still so many emotions.

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    1. I have a great support system at work...unfortunately in this case we were just all so pissed off together and I felt like as the senior person I should take the bullet and speak up. And you're right, acceptance definitely doesn't mean everything's OK. I thought it would, but it doesn't.

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  4. Those flowers are so beautiful! She is so sweet!!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  5. Sucks to have problems at work. After my own loss, I read and heard over and over again that the grieving process is not linear.... Going back to anger makes a lot of sense.. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck. Thinking of you girl. And sweet Jane's flowers are so nice. :)

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    1. They are, she is awesome. And yeah, the non-linear thing is definitely true. Although I really wish that there wasn't so much backtracking just when you start to think you're feeling fine.

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  6. Fight the power...Down with the MAN!

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  7. I'm sorry for the sucky work situation. I always took out my anger on the wrong people, usually my poor husband. But it's perfectly okay to cycle back through any/all of the stages of grief, even after you think you've come to acceptance. It's just plain unfair to be faced with the idea of not having your own biological children. Still, it sounds like that tirade was well-deserved. Go you!

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    1. Thanks. It so WAS well deserved. :)

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  8. I'm glad there are a few good things. Flowers! And a trip home!
    Otherwise, yeah, I think I understand. My tolerance for BS is rather low now, too. (Not that it's ever been amazing.) And I think issues that affect so many people need to be brought to light - I hope some of your colleagues also support you in front of the micromanagers. Who knows, maybe something can change eventually.
    Hang in there. Or maybe take up kickboxing?

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    1. LOL...yeah, my tolerance has never been great either. I'm not doing kickboxing, but I've been lifting heavier weights lately and whenever I'm doing a rep where I feel like I might fail, I just picture one of the micromanagers standing there telling me I can't do it. And then I do.

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  9. Anger is my big bad wolf, too, and she can be set to roaring by the least little thing...which is why my hermit lifestyle as of late has been good...I feel a great deal of empathy for you dealing with the beast of anger while going to work. Been there. Nearly killed some innocent people. I must thank you hugely for that sound of music meme, I laughed so loudly my husband was startled. Thining of you. xo ~theunexpectedtrip

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  10. Micromanagers are the worst! The spend so much time looking over your shoulder, never do any work on their own and take credit for your work. I'm so glad you spoke up!
    I'm glad the flowers finally arrived!

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  11. Your feelings are absolutely normal. I find that things happening at work started bothering me more than usual after our loss. It sucks but it's better than bottling it up. Hope ur vacay back home helps with the healing.

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  12. ugh I am sorry for the shitty work situation on top of everything else. And when you have to spend 40 . hours a week in that situation in can just suck up all your energy (and will to live). Good to hear from you!

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  13. Work is an exceptionally unhelpful place to be during a personal shitstorm. And yet, they insist we keep going...

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  14. Sounds like you finally said what was on everyone's mind, and hopefully they will respect you for it (hey, look how it worked out for the dude in Office Space). That sucks about all the suckiness, and ain't it the truth that nothing is worse than being micromanaged.

    That chicken GIF made me laugh really hard.

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  15. Wow, that twirling chicken makes me dizzy. Your workplace spewing sounds right out of Office Space, and if it's anything like my place of employment, nothing will change nor get better because no one really cares.

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  16. 1) I took the Buffy quiz and I got Buffy--which makes no sense to me. I haven't even really watched the show (blasphemy, I feel like I'm not a child of my own generation for having skipped that one), but I know I'm not the ass-kicking heroine type. But hey, at least I have high expectations for myself. 2) Work BS is BS. Hopefully you have enough political capital that you can weather the post-tirade storm and that it results in some positive changes. At very least your colleagues probably think your bad ass. 3) I'm still really sorry about your loss and your mom; I don't blame you for blowing up about a shitty situation that you have slightly more control over.

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  17. Doesn't it feel so good to just be able to say what's pissing you off at work? I had one of those days last week and I feel like I let go of so much pent up steam! I'm sorry things are so crappy at work right now though. I know it takes a toll because we spend so much time there!

    And as much as I do get a kick out of your rants, I hope the anger stage passes soon so you can feel a little less stressed.

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  18. Gah, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of that at once, work bull shit is the absolute worst. Kudos to you for standing up and telling your coworkers what's what, there have been many times I've wanted to do the same but I'm not ballsy enough.

    I hope with all of my might that things start turning around for you; you're a kick as lady and you deserve something great to come along.

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  19. Good for you for speaking up. In real life, my BS tolerance is pretty much always zero, but I totally let people walk all over me at work and just take it. I hate that about myself. I really hope things turn around for you soon, but either way, I'm sure you'll channel Faith and kick some ass anyway.

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  20. I hate micromanagers with a passion. It's always about their neuroses disguised and trying to be helpful/make sure the project comes out perfect. So good for you for speaking up. They needed to hear it (though I'm sure they will never admit it).

    After everything, despite feeling acceptance, I think anger is very natural. So no apologies. Just allow yourself to work through this. Take the time and space you need. And know that you are 100% supported. Because this does suck and anyone who tries to reason otherwise is simply being an ass.

    Thinking of you.

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  21. I felt very micromanaged in my last job. I hate that. Good for you for speaking up!
    I spent a lot of time in anger, for sure. I probably did and said some things during that time I wouldn't normally do or say. Glad it worked out in your favor, at least. And how lovely of Jane to send you flowers :)

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  22. You have every right to be angry! And I understand how hard it can be to keep up on blogging when work is wearing you down. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. Its okay to not push forward until you're ready. BTW...Jane is soo sweet. Glad she brightened your day!

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  23. I love the flowers! So sweet of Jane. I love her too.

    Hope things have gotten better at work and that finally voicing some of your frustrations have paid off without too much back lash. It sucks being micromanaged, but it's even worse when you feel stuck. Hopefully that will change. Thinking of you friend!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!