Finding emo

I think today was the kind of day they meant when they came up with the phrase "one of those days".

I'll back up a bit first and fill you guys in on what's been going on with our donor egg situation.  Last time I posted about it, we had just chosen our donor from a list of five women provided by our clinic.  We picked donor #3, but also mentioned #1 as an alternate just in case.  That turned out to be a good thing because the clinic got back to us saying that #3 wasn't available.  No big deal, and donor #1 was booked to go in for a checkup with the clinic on May 19th.  We paid our deposit and waited for an update.

Of course it wouldn't be a true IVF cycle for me without timing issues.  It seems like we've always had something scheduled that meant that there was stress over timing, whether it be clinic closures or holidays or business trips.  You'd think we were the world's busiest people, when in fact we're actually remarkably boring and lazy.

Fuck stairs.

This time around, the hiccups are my dance recital at the end of June and a friend's wedding in Vancouver at the end of July.  That still leaves pretty much a whole month for us to do this thing, which seemed reasonable to me given that we only need to be there for a week to ten days (arrive in time for retrieval and fertilization, leave five days later after transfer, although we'll probably tack on a few days on either side to be safe).  

I mentioned our time restrictions right off the bat to the clinic, and told them if it was a problem then we would just prefer to schedule something for the end of the summer.  They said it should be fine.   When we chose our donor, I again mentioned the June/July window and asked if they thought we would make it.  It seemed a little tight to me for a full IVF cycle (assuming full Lupron suppression before stim phase), but they again said it should be fine.  I emphasized the need to be back in Canada in time for the wedding, and they replied telling me that I would probably be looking at a transfer around June 20th.  Way earlier than I expected...and the exact date of my dance recital.  Which I had already told them.

I wrote back and reminded them that I wasn't available to leave Canada until after that date.  I mean, I could theoretically bail on the recital but at this late stage of the game that would be a real dick move.  The clinic said no problem, and that they would know more after the donor had her checkup on May 19th.  That was this past Monday, and despite me sending a chaser email on Tuesday asking how things went, we've yet to receive a reply.  

They're usually quite prompt in getting back to me.  Due to the time difference (6 hours) I usually receive an email the next morning after I send them one, so for the past few mornings I've been waking up and immediately checking my phone for emails from them.  Nada.  If I'm being reasonable then it's probably not that big a deal, because I'm sure the doctor needs to review the donor's results and look at my schedule and try to plan things out first.  But I'm an impatient control freak with paranoid tendencies, so I'm starting to worry that the time window won't work/the donor has bailed/we've been scammed out of our money.  I'm also stressing about booking affordable flights to Prague and getting a reasonably priced hotel or vacation rental during the middle of the summer (none of which we can do without firm dates), on top of all the obvious worries I have about whether the cycle will work or not.  

Getting back to today, things got off to a shitty start when I woke up and saw that yet again I had no correspondence from the clinic.  I got cranky, and ended up snapping at M for (almost) no reason before heading to work.  Then at work, I ended up forgetting to do something that I thought was really important.  When I finally remembered, I called the people I was supposed to do it for and asked them how they wanted me to deal with the situation.  It took three hours of me stewing in my own stress before they eventually called me back and told me it was no big deal and not to worry about it.  At that point I was done and just wanted to go home.

Or do this.

I feel like infertility is one of those things where you can be totally ok for a long time, but when it catches up to you it just makes it so that everything is too much.  Today I didn't really have that bad a day, but I just felt overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all.  I don't want to be having frustrating email exchanges with people halfway around the world to have a family.  I just want to be normal.  I don't want to have to do this anymore.  I'm tired of it.

Upon arriving home I used my favorite new iPhone app Songza to find an appropriately depressing playlist, poured myself a glass of wine, and let the tears flow.  It was totally emo, and totally cathartic.  While I can't say I feel 100% better, tomorrow is another day.  Who knows, maybe I'll even have email.