Sunday, 29 June 2014

Anx-icipation

Our donor started stimulation this past Monday.  We're tentatively looking at a July 4th retrieval date.  Flights and hotels have been booked.  This shizz is really happening!


My stomach has been in varying degrees of knots for the better part of two weeks.  What hasn't helped is that my Czech clinic isn't super duper with the communication thing, at least not to the degree I'm used to with my local clinic.  I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm dealing with an English-speaking clinic rep who isn't a medical person, and there's an added delay as I wait for her to get information from the donor coordinator and then get it back to me.  For instance, though my donor started her stims last Monday, I hadn't heard anything at all until Thursday, and even that had to be prompted by a gentle "WTF is happening?" inquiry on my part.  Then on Thursday the rep told me my donor was coming in for another checkup that day; she said she'd have more information for me soon and would keep me updated "continuously".  Well, that update still hasn't come.  On Saturday I emailed her with the results of my lining check (8mm, triple stripe, go uterus!) and she got back to me today saying she should have a donor update for me tomorrow.  

I'm sure there are some people out there who'd be just fine with this level of interaction and would take a "no news is good news!" approach to things.  When you're an anal retentive pessimistic control freak like me, though, the lack of information just leaves space in my brain for horrible anxious thoughts to take hold.  Not to mention the fact that we had still been holding off booking our flights and hotels so that we could make sure we had the right dates.  Today we broke down and did that much at least, so regardless of what happens from here on out we're going to Prague.  I assume we'll find something to do with ourselves.  They have beer there, right?

The funny thing is that it feels like each step that we take should be making me feel less freaked out and more confident, but instead I just end up finding a new worry to obsess over.  Perfect example: I was getting increasingly worried about booking our flights to make sure that we would get one that we could afford.  Now that we've booked, I'm worried that our donor will either stim for a freakishly short period of time (meaning we won't arrive in time for retrieval day), or that the retrieval will be delayed and we won't have enough time for a Day 5 transfer before we leave.  I've done the math a million times and the rational side of my brain knows that we're going to be fine with the window we've chosen, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.  When I do, there are other worries to take over, like that I'll get an email tomorrow that something went wrong: the donor dropped out, ovulated spontaneously, got eaten by a zombie (it could happen!) and the whole cycle is cancelled.

In all honestly, what's probably happening is that instead of dealing with this one very HUGE thing (the fact that we are using donor eggs but still have no idea if it will work) my brain is coping by breaking it down into a million little tiny things instead.  All of which are distracting me from thinking about that heart-pounding moment a few weeks from now when I will be staring at a pee stick for the first time since my chemical pregnancy.  Because guys?  The anticipation of that moment freaking terrifies me.

37 comments:

  1. I do the EXACT same thing - obsess over all the things except for the "big thing."

    Tickets booked, tentative retrieval date set... that makes it so real! And July 4th is right around the corner!! I'm very excited for you and truly hope that everything goes to plan as much as possible. Maybe the lack of communication is just a cultural thing? Either way, it does sound like no news is good news. And the donor PROBABLY won't be eaten by a zombie :)

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    1. Well, I guess we know who's NOT prepared for the zombie apocalypse...

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    1. YOU! You're still around! How the hell are you??? So happy to hear from you!

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  3. I would have the same response due to lack of communication. To the point that I would have already had many panic attacks, a drunken night where I had declared myself done and one hell of a hang-over to follow. In short, you're far from crazy. But I'm willing to bet that all is going well and they don't aww the need to tell you. So keep distracting yourself. And yes, Prague has some damn fine beer.

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    1. Panic attacks, check. Drunken night, check. Declared that I don't think I can ever do this again, check. Wow, are you secretly living in my house??

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  4. Shit is getting real! Holy crap! July 4th is Friday !(which I'm sure you are well aware of). I am so excited and nervous for you. I can't believe it's happening already. I will be thinking of you and hope you can enjoy your time in Prague but I know that's easier said than done. I do the same thing of getting really worked up and anxious about the little things to avoid thinking about the big thing.
    When I was in Prague I did a walking ghost tour one night. It was kinda cool and creepy. I only did it because I was traveling alone and that seemed better than going to a bar by myself. I ended up having fun, though.
    There is also beer. Lots of beer.

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    1. I love haunted walks! Will totally look into that.

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  5. Ohmygod it's so close! Obsessing over the tiny details is what we do because those are things we have some (sense of) control over. So obsess away if it helps! Make a list (or 3) of all the things you have to pack. And by all means do some googling of Prague's best beers! I hope no news is indeed good news and that everything goes smoothly for the rest of this cycle and your trip. I'm so hopeful for you!

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    1. You're right, it's absolutely about control (or lack thereof). I don't deal well with that!

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  6. Those zombies should not be underestimated.
    Your last paragraph seems spot on. It is so hard to revisit the stage where things went south last time... I will keep my fingers crossed for those eggs to grow on a predictable schedule, fertilize nicely, and then grow into a beautiful baby.
    In the meantime, oh yes, there is beer.

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    1. I used to not understand how people claimed to have infertility PTSD. I totally get it now.

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  7. I know it probably doesn't seem like it for you, but this has all come together so quickly and especially having it done overseas. I have everything crossed for you and hoping it all falls into places just beautifully and you come home pregnant :)

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    1. You're right, it TOTALLY doesn't seem like it was quick for me. It feels like we've been doing this forever!

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  8. Eeeek! I am nervous, too. (Been continually following your story just haven't chimed in in a while.) I did this several states away with frozen donor eggs and I still showed up in near-heart-attack state; I can't imagine all of the "What ifs?" that are flying through your head.

    I lived in Prague for a year, teaching English to a group of neurosurgeons (!) at Homolka Hospital, and although that was in 1997 (am old!) and each medical/clinical facility is different, I feel like I know Czech medical people---they are precise as hell but they don't always show it! I bet you're in good hands.

    Say hello to that gorgeous city for me. I lived in Michle (industrial section) and then in Hradcany (by the castle). If you have the chance check out Stromovka Park, which is the former hunting grounds of Rudolph II, and filled with lakes, swans, flowers, and 500-year-old oak trees. They have these wonderful little beer hut-gazebo things in Prague parks---just some old dude in a wooden gazebo in the middle of nowhere selling large cold beers.

    Sending love and luck honey! I just know things are going to work out for you. I can't explain it--just a strong feeling I have.
    http://www.pragueoffthemap.com/out-and-about/stromovka-park.html
    xo - the unexpected trip

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    1. Thanks for the tip! I've been making a list of stuff to do and a day at a park would be great. I think we're going to be there long enough (10 days) that we won't want to be in a museum or at a gallery or shopping every single day. I really hope your feeling is right!

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  9. This is so exciting, but I got really nervous for you just reading this. Your anx-icipation is totally wearing off on me! You can do this. Prague is going to be awesome. I'm sure everything will go smoothly. But you better believe I'm going to be getting an ulcer here waiting for you updates!

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    1. I'm planning on trying to blog a bit while I'm there. I'm thinking of your gastrointestinal health.

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  10. Oh this is so exciting! Terrifying, yes, but also exciting. The communication thing would drive me crazy and to tears, probably both. And of course you're obsessing over the little things--I think it's hard not to at this point with everything we know and how much we've invested. Everything is crossed and I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

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    1. Crazy and tears have both happened. Several times. Inevitable with all that's going on, I think!

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  11. AAAHHHHHHHH!!! Just got caught up on ALLLL this amazingness... wow, hoping and athiest-praying and finger-crossing for you right now. You know, I was once in this Czech town called Karlovy Vary, which is like this spa place renowned for its healing/curative waters; maybe you can chill out there for a bit and get your massage on... in the mean time, deep breaths! Things are looking good, which often means they stay good. Will be thinking of you guys in the coming days/weeks and sending as many good retrieval vibes as possible!

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    1. Hey, stranger! Welcome back to blogland! I've heard of Karlovy Vary before; perhaps we should think about a day trip there (before transfer, as hot springs will be a no-no after that). Thanks for the tip!

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  12. Holy cow, girl! Our timing is so close!!! I don't blame you for going bat shit crazy with the lack of communication. I would too. I'm cheering so hard for you that this is it…crossing everything that your trip and cycle go smoothly. Please keep us posted!

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    1. I'm planning to update as much as possible. Here's hoping our hotel wi-fi is good!

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  13. Oh my goodness! It's so soon!! I'm SO excited for you! I can imagine the stress over the lack of communication, hopefully once you arrive there, that will be better and you'll be able to relax as much as possible - which I know... Relax and infertility aren't two words that go together!! Praying for you my friend!!!

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    1. Hopefully there'll be lots to do to take my mind off things so I won't have any choice EXCEPT to relax!

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  14. Wow, I am so excited for you! I would not do well, either, with the lack of communication but it sounds like you have thought everything true and planned everything perfectly! Sending you calming vibes :)

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    1. Thanks, they are very much needed!

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  15. I swear I am more excited about your cycle than my own. Last night Mr. R walks in while I am reading your post, sees the grin on my face and asks, "Good news?" I replied, "The best! Aramis is booked for Prague!" He says, "AWESOME! Who is Aramis?" Of course he knows all about your cycle, he just didn't know your name. We're making progress here cycle buddy! Here's to a really great result for us both!

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    1. LOL. I get like this when I'm celebrating a fellow blogger's BFP and M asks why I'm shouting "YES!" at the computer. Crossing fingers for good outcomes for us both.

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  16. I hear you on the stress of communicating with a foreign clinic. By IVF#2 I started emailing the RE directly in Spanish because going through the rep took forever!

    I am so excited for you! I know this is a really anxious time for you, which is totally normal but I have a really good feeling about this. I can't wait to read your next updates!

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    1. I wish I could email the RE directly. He speaks English and everything. I think unfortunately the rep is just a bit young and possibly busy and not realizing how obsessive IVF patients can be. Otherwise she's sweet.

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  17. so excited for you! :)

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  18. I would fall on the side that if things weren't going well with the donor's stimulation, they definately would be calling you. Wishing you the best as you head to Prague!

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  19. When do you fly? Will you post loads of updates and pics? I plan to fully distract myself from my own cycle mess with yours because yours is going to work and I need good stuff!

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  20. Wishing you a safe flight and a productive (and relaxing!) trip. It makes total sense to me that you want everything to go alright and I would freak out too if there wasn't a lot of communication. Hopefully that will all be easier to deal with when you are in Prague!

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  21. Oh man! TODAY is July 4th!!!!! The lack of communication would have totally freaked me out. So would the delay in buying airfare! That always freaks me out anyway, up until the very point we are actually checked into the airport and know we have no issues. I am really really wishing you the best of luck and will be on pins and needles for you through this process. My heart just jumped a little T the thought of that pee stick moment. Ahhhh!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!