Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Running out of lemon recipes

It's about to get depressing and whiny up in here.  You've been warned.

First off, don't worry, everything's still a go with my Czech donor cycle.  I need to stop birth control next week and have a period, then we're off to the races.  But there's been a lot more aggravation in the meantime.  My RE, who initially seemed to offer her full support to us in cycling abroad, has since gotten very particular about exactly what she will do to "help". 

She had warned us from the start that she wouldn't prescribe any medications that she wasn't familiar with or didn't use in her own protocols.  A bit restrictive in my view, but at least she had told us up front.  That meant that she would prescribe estrogen, but not prednisone (used by some clinics as an immune suppressant in a transfer cycle to prevent the body from attacking the embryo).  What totally blew my mind was that she then also refused to write me a requisition for a day 10 ultrasound to check my lining thickness.  I got a bunch of bullshit excuses as to why, ranging from "I'm not the one treating you so it's a liability issue" to my personal favourite, the "doctors are magic" excuse.  This one involved telling me (without any basis in fact) that my Czech clinic wouldn't want the raw ultrasound tech report; they would want one that had been reviewed and cleared by a doctor and that wasn't going to happen since my clinic wasn't technically treating me.  Of course I confirmed with the Czech clinic that the basic u/s tech report was just fine, at which point I discovered the real reason for my RE's hesitation.  My Czech clinic didn't have a formal "satellite monitoring agreement" with my Toronto clinic, meaning that my local clinic wasn't getting paid.  I told my RE that I was more than willing to pay for the u/s out of pocket (which I had been saying up front for ages) but was told it wasn't that simple.  Silly me for thinking that I had become more than just a bank machine to my clinic; that I might have become a person they genuinely wanted to see succeed in treatment.  So much for my RE's idea of "help".


After more than a few days of stressing and running around and stressing again, I ultimately ended up getting what I needed from my GP.  Who seemed stunned, that after all the money we've spent at the fertility clinic, they wouldn't give me a simple u/s requisition.

I had about two days of being able to breathe again, when the sewer backed up in our basement on Sunday.

If only I actually believed this, it might help.

I'll spare you the gory details.  Long (very long) story short, there is some kind of blockage in the main city sewer line right where our line joins it.  For three days now we've had various city people ignoring our calls, showing up hours later than they're supposed to (if at all), trying the same stuff over and over again, and generally giving us no idea of when things will be fixed.  Until then, because no water can drain from our house, we can't use the shower or flush the toilet.  Water can come in no problem, but it can't go out.  And there's no end in sight.  The best info we've gotten has been from grilling the various contractors the city's been sending out, and rumour has it they'll be digging up the street in front of our house in the coming days, but that's all the detail we have.

Honestly you guys, I'm not dealing with this very well.  I feel like I used to be ok in a crisis.  When M had his big accident, I didn't even cry.  I took charge, did the shit that needed to be done, and kept it together for him.  We had a different sewer flooding incident a couple of years ago as a result of a huge thunderstorm, and I just picked up the phone and called the insurance company.  I used to be tough.  I used to be able to cope.  This time?  I sat on the couch and cried, and have continued crying pretty regularly for the past several days.  I just feel like I can't deal with shit anymore. My mental sewer is backed up too, it seems.  Any extra crap, no matter how minor, and the system overloads.  Is this how a nervous breakdown happens?  All the little stuff (and, let's face it, some big stuff) just piles up until eventually you just want to walk out the door and get in your car and get on a plane and never come back to your life?


I know right now I'm supposed to be thinking positive thoughts about this upcoming DE cycle.  That stress isn't good.  And I swear, if I could in any way minimize the amount of external stressors I seem to be dealing with, I would.  But it feels like life just keeps hurling fucking lemons at me.  And I'm running out of things to do with them.  I'm not one of those people who believes that "everything happens for a reason".  I wish I could be, but I'm not.  Sometimes crap just happens, and it's all chaos and random bad luck.   But when you've had as long a stretch of it as we have, you start to wonder if it's ever going to change.  If it's even possible for things to go right.  

Which is no way to approach a DE cycle, I know.  So if anyone has some magical optimism pills, hit me up.

27 comments:

  1. I once had a friend who kept exclaiming "everything happens for a reason," about MY life tragedies. But when her husband threatened to walk out on her, it was "why is this happening to me; I'm the nicest person I know." Um, yeah. There's only so much lemonade you can choke down in before you start puking it back up, so if life gives you lemons, then it's ok to sit on the couch and cry.

    --Violetta

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  2. "When life hands you lemons, squeeze them in your Vodka..." -Chelsea Handler

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  3. Yes, vodka spiked lemonade sounds good!!1


    ((hugz)) and lots of luck on your DE cycle!!
    http://ttcaftertr.blogspot.com/

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  4. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much shit, literally. I can't believe your clinic isn't helping you with a simple ultrasound. I'd be outraged too. I'm hoping a break will come your way- and soon.

    And btw-I used to think everything happens for a reason too. That was before life handed me a bunch of lemons. Now I think that's a crock of shit too.

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  5. That is very sad and disappointing about how your fertility clinic is acting. Sometimes they need to look at things beyond the $ signs. Shame on them. I am so happy to hear that your GP helped you out. That shows a lot of character.

    I hope things all start falling into place. I don't think stress can be avoided when going through something like this. Try some deep breaths and know this is going to work!

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  6. I'm seriously pissed with your RE. Apparently that whole patient-doctor relationship is out the window because they can't make a buck off you. What a shitty excuse and shame on them.

    Can you go through your GP for the rest of this cycle? Get all the meds/procedures done there instead? Argh.

    Hang in there. The fact you are dealing with this BS is so unfair. Here's hoping you're getting all the drama out of the way up front.

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  7. Don't beat yourself up about not being able to handle things currently, there's only so much a person can deal with, big or small. I say ditch your RE and go to your GP for the rest of your cycle, if possible. No need to stress about what your RE will/won't do if your GP is willing to help. Hopefully things will die down soon and you'll be able to relax a bit before your transfer.

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  8. This sounds awful. I'm so sorry. Can you go stay in a nice hotel or something until your sewer gets fixed? I don't know, I'm not good at these kind of things (life, stress, things not going my way). I would be on the ground throwing a full-on, arms-flailing temper tantrum. So it sounds like you're handling this better than I would.

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  9. This sounds miserable. Even if we're just the RE's new BMW, please, for the love of God, at least pretend to care. At least pretend that you actually want us to have a baby and not just a new luxury car for yourself. Ugh. I hate that crap. And it's not like you didn't give your local clinic a fair shake. They should at least be gracious enough to do some gd scans. Assholes. I'm in a cursing mood. In my head my language is worse, btw.

    And the shit storm in your sewers sounds horrible. Your parents are nearby, no or am I thinking of someone else? I'm not minimizing your pain, but at least you don't (yet) have to resort to bucket showers in the backyard. But if comes to that, at least it's not winter? Anyway, I'm sorry. This isn't how you want your cycle to begin.

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    1. My parents are halfway across the country, but M's are nearby (about 2 hours away). We're planning on staying with them this weekend but have to stay at home during the week to get to work.

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  10. I feel like kicking someone (or several someones) on your behalf. What a bunch of bullshit. You sure as hell don't need this right now.

    As far as optimism goes, here's my unpopular personal philosophy: you don't need it. Sure, it's great if you have it. But I'm not the type that believes that you have to think happy thoughts in order to get pregnant. I was 180 degrees from optimistic when I got pregnant. I was stressed out and feeling hopeless. I know it's not the ideal state of mind to be in and I know that stress does play a role, but I also believe that trying to force yourself to feel something you don't feel is stressful as well. I'm sure that's not helpful at all, is it?

    Anyway, I'm sending all the positive vibes I can to you. You need a lucky break and I hope it comes soon. *hugs*

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    1. It's actually really helpful. You're right, I've been adding extra stress on myself by worrying that I need to handle everything better because of my upcoming cycle. There's just so much pressure to be relaxed and stress-free when TTC, and right now that's pretty much impossible. Thanks for the pep talk.

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  11. Totally agree with Jenny! Stressing about not feeling positive and stress-free gets you nowhere. Better to acknowledge that this is a particularly stressful time, and dealing with one more thing, little or not, is enough to make anyone break down. I hope these other issues are resolved soon so you can go back to focusing on the important stuff: the making of your future baby!

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  12. Your RE's behavior is just crap. I'm glad your GP was able to help. And, yeah, this is a lot of crap piling up, anyone would break down. If you want to try it, I've recently started meditation with Headspace, and I'm surprised how well it works in calming me down - it took my pulse 30 points down, which basically tells you that it wasn't good before. Otherwise, chocolate, vodka, scream in the garage and pretend it's your RE, whatever helps.
    Thinking of you.

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  13. All I want to say is, girl, I am sorry that all these crazy things are piling up. Your RE is ridiculous. What is wrong with her? No empathy at all whatsoever. I wouldn't be surprised if I would also cry and cry because of the sewage backup happening on top of all these other things that you have to do. Man... Time for things to go in the right direction.

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  14. Please don't worry about being stressed right before your cycle. I remember feeling this way - totally beside myself neurotic - and then feeling guilty for being so stressed and thinking I would sabotage my chances because of my bad mindset. This simply isn't the case. There is absolutely no way to be calm and Zen - especially when you have all that other crappy (literally...) stuff going on. Don't worry about falling apart... we all have our breaking points, and trust me, most people would have melted down long before you did. You're doing absolutely everything you can. You can't do more than that.

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    1. I often wonder about that. There's lots of people who seem to go through a lot and never break, and others that can't handle any stress at all. I always figured I was somewhere towards the upper-middle end of that, but it doesn't feel like it lately. But you hit the nail on the head...I feel like I've sabotaged this cycle before it even starts. I wish I knew for sure it didn't matter.

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  15. I want to come give you a big hug. Then I want to go punch your RE in the face. She can't possibly be offended that you aren't her patient anymore. You can't do donor eggs in Canada, right? If you are going to pay for the service I don't possibly see what her problem could be.
    Sorry that life seems to just be piling crap on you. I feel like that was happening to me as I went into my last cycle. Just everything was going wrong in all parts of my life. There is only so much you can be expected to handle with grace. You just have to feel what you are feeling. Trying to not feel stressed or trying to be positive always seemed to be even more stressful for me.
    I am rooting so hard for things to turn around for you very, very soon.

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    1. The only way I could do donor egg with my clinic would be through their new frozen egg program (they get them from the US) at the cost of almost $20,000 for one cycle. I didn't think she was pissed at us, but maybe that's part of it. Anyway, it helps to hear others saying how stressed and overwhelmed they were before successful cycles. It seems like all you hear is "be calm!" and I feel like a failure because right now I can't seem to.

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  16. This post made me so mad at your clinic. This is hard enough (especially for you going internationally) without them making it more difficult on you. I'm sorry for all of the shit (literally and figuratively) that you've been dealing with. Hoping things get better soon and you have good news on the horizon.

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  17. What is wrong with your RE?! Why would anyone want to make something that is challenging even more so? I am so sorry. And the sewer situation... poor you. I can only hope that this is life throwing lots of lemons your way before some really great news.

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  19. I am sorry to hear about your mental sewer-backup (great metaphor, btw) as all the other bad luck and your RE's unhelpfulness. I agree, after shoveling all that money at them, they should provide something like service. For what it's worth though, I would say don't stress about the stress. Just my personal viewpoint, based on personal experience...but we conceived during one of the nastiest stressful times I can recall. Also, think about the lives of women the world over, throughout time. Is it really the case that we are all so serene and happy and unstressed? I think if stress really affected conception/implantation/baby growth that there would be a heck of a lot less people in the world. Not to say it isn't a factor, but really....it's the last thing you need to beat yourself up after. So cry and hate the universe if you have to.

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  20. I've just spent the last three days obsessively reading your archives instead of working. I'm 35 and I was diagnosed with DOR in February and immediately did an IUI that didn't work. I've sort of been in a holding pattern ever since and vacillating wildly between taking action and letting things happen how they will (or not happen most likely). For the time being I'm taking approximately eleventy billion supplements to try to improve my eggs. I've laughed and cried at your words and felt like so many times you were describing EXACTLY what I am thinking/feeling. I just want to wish you all the best for upcoming cycle and tell you that your words have helped me face what's going on (I tend to lean towards full on ostrich-head-in-sand-avoidance) and really think about what to do and where to go from here. Thank you :-)

    Oh, and what an ass your RE is being. Lame!

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    1. This comment literally made my day. You have this vague notion when you're blogging that maybe somehow, somewhere out there your story is helping someone. But then you think it's kind of arrogant to believe your little tale is relevant to anyone else but yourself. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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  21. Oh how I wish I had some magic optimism pills! Wow, you've been through the ringer! I'm so sorry for all that you're dealing with. I'm praying that all works out, especially with the DE cycle!!! XOXO

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!