Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Everyone loves a good poop story, Vol. II

Everyone knows that one of the main reasons I wanted to become a parent was so that I'd have lots of poop stories to tell.*  Fortunately, little Q has been living up to expectations.  As I've slowly gotten to know our baby over the past 7 weeks, I've begun to figure out a thing or two about his patterns and his likes/dislikes.  One thing I've learned is that this kid has a digestive system like a grown-ass man with a case of Norwalk virus from an ill-fated Carnival ship poop cruise.

I learned pretty early on that no matter what you hear going on in Q's diaper, you gotta wait it out.  Like, at least 10 minutes from first gurgle to final shart.  Otherwise, you risk bathing in a fountain of breastfed baby poop, which is not unlike butternut squash soup in both colour and consistency.  I found out the hard way one morning.  I had just fed him and had heard a couple of juicy toots, so I decided to be a good parent and not let my son pickle in his own shit for too long.  As I pulled off his diaper, he let fly with a couple of good shots which (because I had him by the ankles with his ass in the air) arced like a poop-rainbow clear across the end of the dresser that acts as our change table.  I'm talking a good 3 feet.  It was impressive and disgusting at the same time.


The next time I heard those familiar sounds, I thought I had it figured out.  I waited.  I gave it five minutes at least, and thought I was in the clear.  Just to be sure, I held the old diaper up like a shield as I was wiping, and was glad I did as a new jet of poop flew into it.  I caught it, triumphantly, like a turdy baseball into a goopy catcher's mitt.  Smug in my awesomeness, I took the old diaper away so I could put on the new one...which was promptly shat upon again by my prolifically-pooping baby.  This time he managed to not only get the whole change table, but he actually got poop IN the diaper cream jar like some kind of gastrointestinal Michael Jordan.


I finally learned, like I said, that I had to wait about 10 minutes from start to finish in order to completely avoid any accidental projectile pooping.  Since it was mostly happening in the morning (just as M was usually heading to work, lucky me!) I neglected to tell my husband about this discovery.  So early one Saturday morning, after I had finished feeding the baby, M helpfully took Q in for a diaper change.  There had been some telltale rumblings, and I thought about telling M to wait it out a bit...but I was sleepy and also a bit of an asshole who figured he could learn the same way I had.  Q did not disappoint.  Within minutes M was shouting "Oh my God!  Oh holy shit!" as he was being bathed in a fountain of poop.  I smirked just a little.  Then I went in to help clean up.

*sarcasm, in case it's not obvious

13 comments:

  1. *snort laughing* I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL. That's one thing you have to learn early that is unique to each child!

    I sort of think that you should have just let M clean up the poop himself....I mean, he has to learn right? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was sorely tempted, but he was calling out to me to come help and there was actually shit all over the floor as well. It was an impressive spray!

      Delete
  3. I went through 7 - yes 7 - diapers once in a single change. We also started waiting 10 minutes after a few lessons like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our record is 4, I think. Q says, "Challenge accepted!"

      Delete
  4. Oh my gosh. This is hilarious. I am dying at what's possibly going to happen in my near future!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ha ha! Loving that you let your hubby find out the same way you had :) too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for referencing your poop story featuring Buddy, my sides are hurting with laughter. As we're finishing details in our nursery, I'm pausing to think "all this will be shat on..."

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is just fantastic and funny and I can relate!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh my gosh this is hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ah, the projectile poop days....Isn't motherhood just as glamorous as you'd imagined?

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is awesome! And poor M--although I would have done the same. Scratch that. I would have warned, I would have been ignored, and I would have snickered to myself as B got projectile pooped upon.

    ReplyDelete
  11. After witnessing poop coming directly out of the butt a few too many times, I also decided I would wait it out to make sure the pooping was actually complete. One time I heard the sounds while Riley was laying in my chest. I decided I would wait a bit before getting up to change her. Then I felt something wet on my stomach. Total shit leak all over me. You just can't win.

    ReplyDelete

I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!