Monday, 21 September 2015

The Great Baldening

When I was pregnant, I got a spectacularly backhanded compliment from a woman at my office that went something like this:  "You look so good pregnant!  You have such a healthy glow, and your hair is so thick and full.  You're so much prettier pregnant!"

Um, yeah, thanks.  I think.  

But she was right.  I had awesome pregnancy hair.  While I don't have thick hair, stylists have always commented that I have a lot of it and during pregnancy it just grew and grew.  It felt thick for the first time ever.  It was long and lush and shiny.  I even loved the way it made my face look; it somehow seemed to balance me out better and looked fantastic in pictures. 

I don't know why this GIF exists, but it's awesome.

God, I miss my pregnancy hair.

I always knew that it wouldn't last, and that it would go back to normal somewhere around 3 to 6 months after Q was born.  I even knew that it would fall out in pretty noticeable amounts, and I thought I was prepared for that.

I was SO not prepared for this.  Holy shit, you guys.  Holy shit.  It is falling out like WHOA.  

Every time I shampoo, I pull out handfuls.  I have to be careful to pile it on the side of the tub when I shower lest I clog the drain.  Then, just when I think I'm done and there can't possibly be more, I get out of the shower and dry my hair, following which my bathroom floor looks like the floor of a hair salon and I need to sweep.  Our bathroom garbage can is 87% hair at this point (fact: the other 13% is tissues with spit up and used breast pads).  While I wear my hair in a ponytail most of the time, on the few occasions I've tried to wear it down I just can't make it look right.  It looks thin and flat, and I have giant gaps in my bangs on both sides of my forehead.

Most annoying is the fact that now there is simply hair everywhere.  If I so much as scratch my head or run my fingers through my hair, at least a few strands fall out.  There is constantly one hair that is tickling me somewhere.  I pull it off my husband's shirt before he leaves for work.  I pick it off my child when he plays on the carpet.  I pull it out my vacuum cleaner's brush bristles and wonder if Locks for Love would accept the contents of my vacuum bag as a donation, for they could surely make several childrens' wigs out of it.  And the other day while walking the dog, I pulled it out of my dog's asshole when one turd stubbornly refused to drop, dangling like a pendulum from his butt by a single long brown hair.

Yes, this is a dental floss dispenser shaped like a dog butt.

The day I pull it out of my baby's ass is the day I just shave my fucking head.

13 comments:

  1. Oh how I am so with you. I know. I feel your pain. No joke...this last pregnancy, ALL of my ARM HAIR fell out, too! I kid you not.

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  2. I got one even better for you, my hair has been falling out in masses while STILL pregnant so that can only mean I'll be totally bald after the baby is actually born. ugh

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  3. I spend approximately 7 hours a day removing my hair from J's fingers, toes, and mouth. It is EVERYWHERE. Of course, he also likes to pull it out by the handful - so it's all ponytail and messy bun territory over here.

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  4. Yeah, I can sympathize. It's gotten much better now (things have grown a bit after that initial shed), but I miss having awesome hair from pregnancy.

    And though I haven't pulled it out of either Beat's butts, I have found it in their diapers.

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  5. Oh my God I laughed so hard! I once had to do the same thing with my dog when walking him in a public park and at just that moment (of course) my brother in law pulled over in his car to say hi. I don't think he realized what I had been doing seconds before.

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  6. BWahahahaha!! Hilarious! You know what's even funnier? Curly hair means I can't brush my hair every day, so it only gets brushed on wash days and on those days I plug up the drain, I pull "dingle berry" poops out my dogs butts at least once a week and I ALWAYS have a hair tickling me somewhere. But yeah... if it comes down to pulling one out of Qs butt I'd totally back you on shaving your head!

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  7. This is hilarious and terrifying. So I still have this to look forward to, although I didn't notice a huge change in my hair. What I did notice was how nice my nails were, finally. Now they're back to splitting and peeling and generally looking like crap. Also, the final season of The League has started. Long live Chalupa Batman. And Taco.

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  8. The hair loss is insane. I had no idea I would lose MORE than what I gained during pregnancy. Here's the thing- some of that hair grows back. Which is great except for the super awkward phase where you have all this short spikey hair mixed in with your long hair. I had a period where I basically had a row of short hair across my forehead that just stood straight up. It was not a good look.

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  9. Admittedly, for the most part I was okay with the hair loss this time round - at least I had a baby to cuddle while it fell out. But when I'm vacuum cleaning and look back into the room that I thought I was done with, and there's more hair on the floor... sigh.

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  10. Crazy....I'm the only person I know that this didn't happen to! never lost any hair at all...it maybe just got less greasy. I hope you are feeling more like yourself soon!

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  11. I envy your pregnancy hair because I never had it. Dry lifeless hair while pregnant- and then I STILL got the hair loss for a good two months. Blerch. Thankfully though, I have never found it in Buster's poop (course, I haven't looked), nor have I found it in Izzy's poop. That would be an image etched into my brain for a while if I had....

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  12. OMG! You have a gift for making everything funny, even when the subject isn't! Haha! I had soooo much hair loss after giving birth that I ended up just chopping it all off. I didn't have time to mess around with cleaning up my hair all the time with two newborn babies at home! I can thankfully say it did eventually stop falling out by the handfuls and is now completely back to normal. A word of caution though, I HAVE had to pull hair out of my son's ass! The crazy kid has a strange fetish with eating hair or fuzz of any type. Sooooo, be careful, because you just might end up shaving your head!

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  13. I accidently came to this blog and good heavens this is what I am going thru!! I am 4 months postpartum and have been losing locks for a good month and a half now. I made a onion and coconut oil concoction and apply it 2-3 times a week. It has minimized the shedding and all promoted faster hair growth. It's quite simple to make at home....so do give it a try. Might I caution about the smell...it SMELLS! And it's GROSS! But as far as doing the job goes it seems to be working a bit. I am happy if I get some form of defense for my hair until this stage passes by. Good luck!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!