Moving foward

Today is CD1.  I didn't bother to update you guys, but obviously the clinic confirmed my BFN at my beta on Friday and I stopped my estrogen and progesterone.  As much as it sucks that this cycle didn't work, I certainly won't miss squirting Crinone up my hoo-ha twice a day.  That shit is nasty on the way back out.  I don't think I'll be able to look at fresh mozzarella cheese quite the same ever again.  And I've now also ruined it for everyone else.  You're welcome!

We've made our WTF appointment with the RE for tomorrow.  I expect there to be much discussion of my lousy egg quality and how it was likely to blame for our failure.  In anticipation, I'm planning to ask my RE for a prescription (yup, required here in Canada) for DHEA.  I've just read too much good stuff about this supplement and its positive effects on egg quality in women with DOR not to try it.  I had previously asked my RE about it but was told that they prefer to try CoQ10 first, which I've been on since last August but clearly to no avail.  I don't see why you can't do both, and I imagine most people do, but I think my clinic views it as a one-or-the-other thing.  Regardless, I'm excited to give it a try, and I have to stop myself from getting too enthusiastic or viewing it as the "magic pill" that will fix everything.  It may not work for me.  But at this point there's no real downside, so I expect that's the route we'll go.

Seeing as how it takes about four months for DHEA to reach full potency in the body, I think we'll be taking a bit of a break from fertility treatments for a while.  We'll still try naturally, since I haven't quite given up hope of a DHEA-induced spontaneous pregnancy.  But I'm not going to be tracking my period or taking my temperature or any of the rest of it.  I think we both need a bit of a mental and emotional break from the turmoil we've been going through, so we're just going to have sex whenever we want to like a normal couple and see what happens.  I fully expect we'll be back on the IVF train in the fall.

In the meantime, I haven't really been allowing myself to dwell too much on our failure.  Obviously, the couple of days following my negative test were pretty horrible.  But I know myself well enough by now to realize that treating myself gently is one thing, whereas allowing myself to sink into a total funk is another.  I spent the better part of 2012 doing the latter, and I'm not going to let it happen again.  So I've kind of been kicking my own ass to get myself up and moving and feeling normal again, and strangely enough I've found it's been working.  I've jumped whole hog back into my fitness routine (although it's amazing how much cardio conditioning you can lose after just one week of inactivity) and I'd like to start working towards running a Spartan Race in the summer.  M and I also spent this weekend doing something that we've been wanting to do for ages, but put off for a long time while we waited to have children.  We're not waiting anymore.  But you'll just have to be in suspense for a little bit longer as to what I'm talking about!