Sunday, 16 June 2013

Quiet, then PANIC!

It's a whole lotta quiet around here.  Earlier this afternoon I dropped M off at the airport.  He's off to a four-day bachelor party extravaganza in Las Vegas with a crew of about 15 guys from his office.  The bachelor is actually the last person in the entire world that I'd ever pictured getting married, and most of the other attendees are already married with several kids, so it promises to be a big bag of debauchery as these guys celebrate being wife- and kid-free for the first time in ages.  

I'm actually kind of worried for M.  Three beers and he's usually done, whereas some of these other guys seem to have livers of steel.  At least he's rooming with another (relatively) responsible guy and I'm hoping they'll look out for each other.  Or they could both return looking like this:

 
Do you think my wife will notice?

The Wolf Pack jokes started earlier this week.  God help them.  God help them all.

So it's just me and dog and bird holdin' down the fort.  We're not off to a great start.  About two hours after M's departure I picked up my laptop only to realize that our internet connection was down.  No problem, think I.  I'll just pop downstairs, reboot the modem, and we'll be good to go.  The thing I forgot is that my husband, bless his technology-loving soul, has so over-complicated the telecommunications system in our house that I don't understand it anymore.

I'm embarrassed to admit this.  It reminds me of when we got our first VCR as kids, and would ask my mom to tape things for us.  No matter how many times we explained it to her, she just couldn't figure out how to put a tape in the machine, set it to the right channel, and press record.  Heaven forbid you ask her to set the timer on the damn thing!  And now I feel as though I've become her.

It's not my fault, though.  It's not for lack of trying.  Here's the problem.  M loves technology but he hates the fact that Bell and Rogers have a duopoly over the Canadian telecoms market which essentially allows them to price gouge customers and force smaller providers out of business.  As a result, once we moved in together he became hell-bent on finding a way for us to get rid of my existing telephone-cable-internet combo package and become independent of either of the big two providers.  First he switched us to a small, independent internet provider that offers virtually unlimited usage, meaning that we avoid the ridiculous overage charges levied by Rogers or Bell.  Then he signed us up for Netflix and installed a bunch of other computer programs that pull TV content off the web and consolidate them in one place.  Finally, in his coup-de-grace, he installed a huge antenna in our attic so that we are now getting over-the-air HD channels for free (bonus: totally legal).  With that, we cancelled our cable subscription.

All of this is a long-winded way of explaining that my darling husband has wonderful goals in mind.  But with each of these new pieces of technology came a new remote control, and a new way of setting up the home theatre input, and a new way for everything to go wrong if any one part of it didn't like talking to the other parts.  And a whole host of ways to confuse me!  It's gotten to the point that, try as I might, quite often I just don't know how to get the TV to do what I need it to do and I sit there, pouty, until M does it for me.  All while explaining how simple it is to do.  But it is NOT SIMPLE.  Here is an example of a lesson I would get:

Me:  I want to watch the So You Think You Can Dance that we taped last week.  How do I do that?
M:  Easy.  Just turn on the TV...*points remote at TV.  Nothing happens*
Me:  Isn't that supposed to turn on the TV?
M:  Yeah.  Just a sec.  *hits more buttons.  TV turns on*  OK, so now you just go to...
Me:  Wait.  How did you get the TV to turn on?
M:  Oh, I just hit the "help" button.  It's right here.  *points helpfully*
Me:  Okaaaay...
M:  So now you just navigate here, and open this window.  *opens window.  SYTYCD is nowhere to be seen in the list of taped shows*  Hmm.  Just a sec.  *more navigation, more clicking*  Yeah, so here it is...
Me:  Wait!!  How did you find that?  What file are you in now??
M:  Oh, it just went into the other folder for some reason.  Anyway, you just click on it...
Me:  NO!  How am I supposed to know to look for it there??  Why doesn't it go where it's supposed to???
M:  Well, I don't have all the bugs worked out yet...
Me:  *sigh*  Just turn on the show. 

I've tried a thousand times to understand this system, and I'm not a stupid or technically un-savvy person.  But sometimes I think you have to be Stephen fucking Hawking to understand what M has done with our home theatre system.

That setup is worse than string theory.  I haven't a fucking clue.

Anyway, once I realized the internet was down and I had no idea how to make it work again, I also realized that due to our new setup absolutely EVERYTHING (except our 7 or so HD antenna channels) runs through the internet.  I had visions of myself being not only disconnected internet-wise (and hence without you, my bloggy sisters!), but unable to watch any TV for four whole days.  It's sad to admit the state of panic that threw me into.  What would I do??  Was I going to have to read an actual BOOK, like a Neanderthal??

And then it started working again.  Just like that.  I didn't even do anything.  Lucky for you, or else I wouldn't have been able to blog about it.  No way I'm typing all this up on a smartphone.  Which, incidentally, I still have through a contract with Rogers.  Sorry, but M will have to pry my iPhone out of my cold, dead hands. 

*****

I haven't mentioned it being Father's Day.  I don't need to.  You just need to go and read this post at Mine to Command.  She said it all better than I ever could.  Love ya, Jane.

22 comments:

  1. So glad your Internet is up and running again :) And, I'm glad my husband's not the only one who attends insane Bachelor parties! Enjoy your alone-time with your bird and pup :)

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  2. Thanks for the shout out, but OMG -this is me! Husband is going away for a week at the end of the month and I live in fear of what happens if the internet router goes down. I'd love to watch some DVD series of stuff he'd never watch like Call the Midwife or other unopened boxes we have, but if I tried and somehow succeeded to get the DVD working, I'd never set it back to the TV again! He installed this new "sound bar" which probably makes the acoustics great, but all I see is, "great, now I have to use a second fucking remote just to adjust the sound!" Ahhhh men and technology... hope you enjoy your time alone and M comes back intact!

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    1. Anytime my dear. :) I am so glad I'm not the only one who can't figure out her own TV. Makes me feel like a doofus!

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  3. When I returned from vacation by myself, the internet was down. I had no clue how to restart the router, so I just unplugged it and plugged it back in. Probably screwed something up, but the internet's been working every since! I hope you enjoy your alone (with dog and bird) time!

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    1. That's exactly what I did. It didn't work. Then 20 minutes later, it did. No friggin' clue.

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  4. Uhm...Can your husband come over and set up our entertainment situation?
    I'd appreciate it.

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    1. You SERIOUSLY don't want that. Unless he's moving in with you to turn it on and off for you and make it do what you want.

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  5. ARGH! The system is like that at my parents' house. I can barely turn on the tv there!

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  6. My husband is the same with the whole "let's complicate every simple act with vast arrays of remotes and technology"... but I am jealous that you have circumvented the rogers/bell fiasco.... I despise our bill... but I need access to game of thrones, dexter etc... I could probably live without all tv except TMN and Showtime.

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    1. Dexter's on Netflix, and we're far enough behind that we don't need the current season. And we never had the Rogers package that gave us HBO, so we have to wait to visit my parents to get our GoT fix. Luckily I've read the books so nothing is spoiled for me, but M has had to shut his ears the past few weeks so that the end of Season 3 hasn't been ruined for him. LOVE that show!!!

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  7. Men and their toys, eh?! Glad it worked out for you in the end though. 4 days alone with nothing to do wouldn't be easy!

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  8. Oh, are you with TekSavvy?? I'm really considering switching because we pay $66 EACH MONTH for just Internet alone, thanks to Rogers dickheads who randomly keep upping the cost. Bell is even worse, though -- my phone bill is with them and I literally have to call once every three months to get put on a different retention plan, or else my bills end up being over $100/month. Like, for a BASIC package. Ugh, this country and its telecommunications... horrendous. Anyway, we basically have no cable whatsoever because I watch everything online, but I keep missing out on these particular shows like House of Cards on Netflix and also that Liberace biopic with Michael Douglas and Matt Damon. Where the hell do I find that?! Too complicated, for sure.

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    1. Yep. It's something like $30 a month for a ridiculously high download limit that we never exceed. The only thing is they don't "rent" you a modem like Rogers or Bell (and hence don't get an extra 10 bucks a month out of you) so you have to buy your own. Pays for itself, though. House of Cards was pretty good...can't say I've ever heard of the Liberace thing, though. I just Googled it. W. T. F???

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    2. Haha, "Beyond the Candelabra"! I just torrented it last night, actually... Matt Damon and Michael Douglas getting it on was something I really had to see. :) Thanks for the info on TekSavvy; will look into switching over now for sure!

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  9. Yep..this is me as well. And our system isn't nearly as complicated. If it doesn't work when I turn it on....or get fixed from a reset...I'm through. I once explained to my HB that need 3 things from technology. Microsoft word (I know...I'm sorry), internet, and a printer that consistently works.

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  10. I'm laughing because you just described my situation with our home-technology. I swear, at one point I was self-reliant, but that's long since gone. Glad the internet is working and that all is well. And really hoping that the Vegas experience is filled with fun, but that all the guys return not only with all their teeth, but everything they went with.

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    1. I miss my entertainment self-reliance. I hate feeling like a "girl" who doesn't understand things with wires and batteries. I used to understand this stuff, dammit!

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  11. I always find it such a nuisance when my net is down!
    Hopefully the hubby comes back in one piece too! Hehehe

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  12. this is hilarious. I would totally panic if I thought I would be without tv for 4 days. The horror! I feel like this is something my husband would do, but thankfully he actually likes our satellite tv so i am safe for now.

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  13. So glad the techno-gods decided to smile down on you after all. ;)

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  14. Um yeah, I can relate to this in a serious way. Not only did he somehow justify a $500 speaker setup (like, what was wrong with what we had...) but there are times when I hit one button and the whole thing shuts off, never to return until he rescues me by hitting a super secret combination. God forbid the internet go down, I'd be totally screwed. But I guess the sound quality is fantastic? Sure. Whatever. Long live the techies.

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  15. I'm technologically challenged sometimes even with the most simplest of things, so I totally feel your pain! I'm glad it just decided to work again on its own. Hope you enjoyed your weekend and your husband survived the Vegas party!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!