Quiet, then PANIC!

It's a whole lotta quiet around here.  Earlier this afternoon I dropped M off at the airport.  He's off to a four-day bachelor party extravaganza in Las Vegas with a crew of about 15 guys from his office.  The bachelor is actually the last person in the entire world that I'd ever pictured getting married, and most of the other attendees are already married with several kids, so it promises to be a big bag of debauchery as these guys celebrate being wife- and kid-free for the first time in ages.  

I'm actually kind of worried for M.  Three beers and he's usually done, whereas some of these other guys seem to have livers of steel.  At least he's rooming with another (relatively) responsible guy and I'm hoping they'll look out for each other.  Or they could both return looking like this:

 
Do you think my wife will notice?

The Wolf Pack jokes started earlier this week.  God help them.  God help them all.

So it's just me and dog and bird holdin' down the fort.  We're not off to a great start.  About two hours after M's departure I picked up my laptop only to realize that our internet connection was down.  No problem, think I.  I'll just pop downstairs, reboot the modem, and we'll be good to go.  The thing I forgot is that my husband, bless his technology-loving soul, has so over-complicated the telecommunications system in our house that I don't understand it anymore.

I'm embarrassed to admit this.  It reminds me of when we got our first VCR as kids, and would ask my mom to tape things for us.  No matter how many times we explained it to her, she just couldn't figure out how to put a tape in the machine, set it to the right channel, and press record.  Heaven forbid you ask her to set the timer on the damn thing!  And now I feel as though I've become her.

It's not my fault, though.  It's not for lack of trying.  Here's the problem.  M loves technology but he hates the fact that Bell and Rogers have a duopoly over the Canadian telecoms market which essentially allows them to price gouge customers and force smaller providers out of business.  As a result, once we moved in together he became hell-bent on finding a way for us to get rid of my existing telephone-cable-internet combo package and become independent of either of the big two providers.  First he switched us to a small, independent internet provider that offers virtually unlimited usage, meaning that we avoid the ridiculous overage charges levied by Rogers or Bell.  Then he signed us up for Netflix and installed a bunch of other computer programs that pull TV content off the web and consolidate them in one place.  Finally, in his coup-de-grace, he installed a huge antenna in our attic so that we are now getting over-the-air HD channels for free (bonus: totally legal).  With that, we cancelled our cable subscription.

All of this is a long-winded way of explaining that my darling husband has wonderful goals in mind.  But with each of these new pieces of technology came a new remote control, and a new way of setting up the home theatre input, and a new way for everything to go wrong if any one part of it didn't like talking to the other parts.  And a whole host of ways to confuse me!  It's gotten to the point that, try as I might, quite often I just don't know how to get the TV to do what I need it to do and I sit there, pouty, until M does it for me.  All while explaining how simple it is to do.  But it is NOT SIMPLE.  Here is an example of a lesson I would get:

Me:  I want to watch the So You Think You Can Dance that we taped last week.  How do I do that?

M:  Easy.  Just turn on the TV...*points remote at TV.  Nothing happens*

Me:  Isn't that supposed to turn on the TV?

M:  Yeah.  Just a sec.  *hits more buttons.  TV turns on*  OK, so now you just go to...

Me:  Wait.  How did you get the TV to turn on?

M:  Oh, I just hit the "help" button.  It's right here.  *points helpfully*

Me:  Okaaaay...

M:  So now you just navigate here, and open this window.  *opens window.  SYTYCD is nowhere to be seen in the list of taped shows*  Hmm.  Just a sec.  *more navigation, more clicking*  Yeah, so here it is...

Me:  Wait!!  How did you find that?  What file are you in now??

M:  Oh, it just went into the other folder for some reason.  Anyway, you just click on it...

Me:  NO!  How am I supposed to know to look for it there??  Why doesn't it go where it's supposed to???

M:  Well, I don't have all the bugs worked out yet...

Me:  *sigh*  Just turn on the show. 

I've tried a thousand times to understand this system, and I'm not a stupid or technically un-savvy person.  But sometimes I think you have to be Stephen fucking Hawking to understand what M has done with our home theatre system.

That setup is worse than string theory.  I haven't a fucking clue.

Anyway, once I realized the internet was down and I had no idea how to make it work again, I also realized that due to our new setup absolutely EVERYTHING (except our 7 or so HD antenna channels) runs through the internet.  I had visions of myself being not only disconnected internet-wise (and hence without you, my bloggy sisters!), but unable to watch any TV for four whole days.  It's sad to admit the state of panic that threw me into.  What would I do??  Was I going to have to read an actual BOOK, like a Neanderthal??

And then it started working again.  Just like that.  I didn't even do anything.  Lucky for you, or else I wouldn't have been able to blog about it.  No way I'm typing all this up on a smartphone.  Which, incidentally, I still have through a contract with Rogers.  Sorry, but M will have to pry my iPhone out of my cold, dead hands. 

*****

I haven't mentioned it being Father's Day.  I don't need to.  You just need to go and read this post at Mine to Command.  She said it all better than I ever could.  Love ya, Jane.