Better

For the past couple of weeks, it's felt like almost every time I opened up my blog reader there was more bad news.  Another disappointing retrieval, another failed cycle.  Another miscarriage.

In the infertility blogosphere, sometimes it feels like everyone in the world is getting pregnant except for you.  And as much as you're happy to see your blog friends achieve success, you feel unbearably sad that you're being left behind.  It's not a good feeling.  While I've certainly never cheered someone's failure, I will admit to some horrible uncharitable feelings of "well, at least it's not only me who still isn't pregnant" in some of my darker moments. 

But I've come to realize that it's equally bad when it seems like no one is making their way out of here.  Even though those feelings of jealously inevitably arise when another infertile gets pregnant, with it comes a sliver of hope.  A "that could be me" moment.  A boost of morale in this unending war against infertility.  After all, if no one ever manages to make it to safety after crawling out of the trenches, how long before we all give up fighting?

I'm not usually one for pithy sayings or inspirational quotes.  I'm far too snarky and sarcastic for that.  But a while ago I came across a song whose lyrics resonated with me.  Right now, this excerpt feels pretty damn appropriate:

You got disaster to the left
And devastation to the right
A catastrophe in front of you
And a fiasco in behind

But if you wanna keep the peace
Sometimes you have to go to war
So hup! Two! Three!
It ain't worth nothing if it ain't worth fighting for

I have to believe that this song is right, and that it will get better.  For all of us.  "Better" may not necessarily mean what we first think it will mean.  Some of us will suffer quite a few wounds before finally hauling ourselves out of these trenches.  Some of us will retreat, nursing scars and regrets, or will go on to fight in other ways.  But the war will end for all of us eventually, and I can only hope that we will all find our own forms of peace.

If you're one of the people who are wounded right now, know that we're all standing here with you.  You are not alone.  If your tour of duty is up and it's time for you to go, we understand.  It takes a special kind of strength and courage to do so, and we salute you for it.  Otherwise, get up.  Take a breather if you need it, but then you get your ass back in this fight.  Like the song says, it ain't worth nothing if it ain't worth fighting for.