Monday, 5 August 2013

We now return to our regularly scheduled infertility

It was nice while it lasted.

By "it" I mean both our beach vacation and our summer of no infertility treatments while I waited for DHEA to work its magic.  The parallels of this aren't lost on me.  I'm looking forward to being back in the office about as much as I'm looking forward to daily injections, blood draws, and transvaginal ultrasounds.  Which is to say, not at all.  

We had a lovely time in Maine.  M's parents have been taking M and his brother there for annual vacations since they were little, and it's become a trip rich in tradition.  They stay at the same cottage, eat at the same restaurants, visit the same shopping destinations, and even sit in the same spot on the beach year after year.  Far from being boring, it's the ultimate in relaxation and easy to see why they return there every summer.  This was my fourth time joining them, and I'm sure we'll keep going as often as we can manage.  The one thing that makes me sad is that it's becoming increasingly unlikely that we'll be able to contribute grandchildren and thus continue the family tradition for a new generation.

M's parents have a couple of friends whose families also vacation at the same beach at the same time every year.  And it seems that every year there is another child added into the mix.  I have to assume that M's mom has told her friends about our difficulties, since questions about our own plans to have kids are conspicuously absent.  In a way I'm thankful, and in another it feels like everyone's given up hope and hence just doesn't talk about it any more.  Although I did get a whispered "good luck" during a hug goodbye from one of their friends after dinner one night.  Maybe it was just a general comment, but it didn't feel like it.

In case you can't tell from my tone, I don't have a whole lot of hope for this IVF cycle.  While I've never been one of those people who was certain IVF would work, I definitely feel like I went into our first two cycles with much more optimism than I have now.  This time, it feels more like a formality.  Like we have to do this so that we can say we tried.  Like we're waiting for it to fail so we can put another nail in our fertility coffin and move on.  It wasn't always like this.  I was originally looking forward to this cycle with guarded optimism, hoping that four months of DHEA would make a difference to my egg quality.  But after the results of my endometrial function test, I feel like the wind's been taken out of my sails.  Or someone slashed them.  Or stole them entirely.  And there's a hole in the boat and we're just waiting to sink.  Slowly.

If there was one word to sum up how I feel about IVF #3 it would be dread.  I dread the outcome of this cycle because if it's bad, I don't think I'll have it in me to do this anymore.  Which will mean it's all over.

So where are we now?  I had a 27-day cycle last month and AF arrived last Tuesday.  On CD3 we drove into Portland for bloodwork, and yesterday (CD6) I had more bloodwork and an ultrasound upon our return to Toronto.  We still haven't received the results of my Day 3 bloodwork, and if it shows a super-high FSH (which I've never had, but there's a first time for everything) we'll likely be told to give this month a pass and try again in September.  But for now we're planning to move forward.  I'm to go for regular monitoring until we can confirm ovulation, a week after which I start estrogen priming with Estrace.  Not sure of the schedule after that.

Let's just get this over with.

31 comments:

  1. I will have hope for you :)

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    1. Aww, thanks T. Someone's gotta, I guess. :)

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  2. I am so sorry you feel this way. I feel the exact same ay about our IVF #3 and I spent all week writing about (if you want to go back and look). I feel dread. Ambivilence. and no optimism. I feel like I have to do this step. Wirint about it last week really helped amd I hope it willhelp you too. What helped the most was all the comments say ing "this is a totally normal way to feel afterwhatyou have been through." So thats what I will say to you - it is totally normal to dread this upcoming cycle and feel you have to do it and all of the other things you are feeling. You have been through a lot with IVF and this is a noraml repsonse. Don't be sohard on yourself. Do it if you are ready. But don't feel bad about the way you feel!

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    1. I read your posts...I feel pretty much the exact same way. I know it's normal. It's just not fun. I wish I could be more hopeful. It seems that everything would be so much more bearable if I could.

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  3. This may sound strange, but I've missed you. I'm glad you're back and had a great vacation. My husband and his family have a similar vacation tradition and I, like you, watch as the other families continue to grow. I know exactly how that feels.
    I know there's really no way anyone can change your thoughts about #3, but just know we're all rooting for you. In my case, I'll drink lots of margaritas in your honor as well:-)

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    1. Haha, I missed you guys too! Seriously. You're like my weird extended family and I kept stalking WiFi hotspots while shopping so I could get my fix. It's amazing to think there's people out there I've never met who are rooting for me (and drinking margaritas for me!). Thanks girl!

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  4. I certainly felt this way going into my last two cycles of IVF. It seemed hopeless at moments and I found it hard not the be guarded. As strange as this sounds, I actually forced myself to visualize a good outcome with the last cycle. Not because I believed it would equal a BFP, but because I knew that not allowing myself to dream wouldn't make the pain of a BFN any less and because having those moments where I could see my potential children actually afforded me a few moment of happiness. So, like T, I will hope for you. But I also encourage you to do some visualization as it couldn't hurt.

    Thinking of you and holding onto hope

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    1. I remember reading about your visualization during your last cycle, and I kind of tried it for a while. Tried to picture M playing with our baby, me getting up and doing nighttime feedings, some fun stuff and some not so fun stuff about having a baby. I guess it can't hurt to try it again, even though I just usually manage to end up making myself cry. But knowing you guys are hoping on my behalf is kind of overwhelming and very, very cool.

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  5. glad you are back and had a great vacay!

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  6. Glad you are back! I'm hopeful for you. You deserve a break and I am praying that your time is now.

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    1. Thanks so much. I can use all the hope you guys can give right about now.

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  7. I always think that vacation will clear my head and leave me feeling energized for all the infertility shit I have to deal with when I get back, but it totally doesn't. My problems are always waiting right where I left them. Just know you're in my thoughts and I truly hope it all works out this time. I don't blame you for feeling less than enthusiastic. The cycle of hope and disappointment is so damn exhausting. I'm rooting for you, and happy that you had a good vacation.

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    1. I know, right? That's the trouble with vacations, they have to end! Perhaps that's why M is always talking so enthusiastically about retirement, even though it's decades away. It's a vacation that never ends!

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  8. Wishing you the best of luck with this cycle... And I totally know what you mean about dreading this next cycle. I'm in the same boat as you, my friend. xoxo

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    1. I know you are, and I hate that. I hate that for both of us. xoxo back!

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  9. I am going to have hope for you for this cycle. I felt the same way going into my last IVF. It felt like a formality. We had to do it and try all the supplements just to know we tried everything. But I didn't really think we had much chance of it working.
    I am going to cheer you on anyway. I am going to cross everything and wish on stars and throw coins into fountains for you.

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    1. And yet here you are, with your meelion beelion babies. Oh how I love that joke! :) Seriously though, that kind of makes me feel a bit better. Thanks for all the positive thoughts!

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  10. It sucks to go into a cycle feeling like it's doomed to fail, and I'm sorry you have to combat that along with everything else. What I tried (and sometimes failed) to do during this last cycle was to count all the things we were doing differently than last time around. All those things that would hopefully make a difference. So I hope hope hope that the DHEA and rebooting your ute work wonders for you this time! Oh, and don't beat yourself up for feeling less than optimistic. That's what the rest of us are here for!

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    1. Yeah, it's probably unrealistic how much stock I've been putting in the DHEA, but it's about all we have going for us right now. Guess we'll see!

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  11. It sounds like you had a great vacation. I am happy for you. Sometimes those breaks are badly needed. I am sorry you are dreading IVF 3 though from your explanation I can see why. Hey, we are all trying our best in a crappy situation. Sending you lots of hope and good wishes!

    I hd similar thoughts about family and tradition and vacation while I was spending the weekend with my parents and brother at the holiday cabin. As kids we spent weeks there every summer and of course it is a very special place for us. I wondered if we would be one day bring our children there to spend time with their grandparents. Although I tried to imagine it I found I just wasn't able to quite picture it, and that made me sad. But maybe it's just hard to come up with optimistic thoughts when I've been getting bad news.

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  12. Great to see you back, and it sounds like an amazingly relaxing vacation. Because of IVF and Bob's work schedule, we can't go on the vacation that we've been talking about for end of August (driving or taking the train up to Seattle). I can only admire people's vacations from a distance. As for the 3rd cycle, I don't blame you for feeling this way. I hope that your CD3 bloodwork shows good values and I hope that this cycle will bring you the most unexpected and amazing outcome. :)

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  13. Welcome back! Missed you tons! Remember that you don't always respond the same way each cycle, so there's definately room for hope. Plus, I'm not convinced that your FET results are dooming you. So glad you enjoyed your vacation. Did Buddy come with you?

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    1. Missed you too! Sadly, the cottage where we stayed doesn't allow pets, so Buddy wasn't able to come. We had him stay with a friend who is also a dog walker, so he had lots of fun and friends to play with. But we're going to look into possibly trying different accommodations next year so that he can have some beach fun too! Although I'm not convinced he actually likes water, so it could just be a week of pure torture for him!

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  14. Your vacation sounds magical! I really need a vacation, but got to use most of my vacation time earlier in the year for surgery. Fun!
    I would feel the same way as you-- totally normal reaction. But luckily, you can feel pessimistic about this cycle & still have it work. That's what I'm hoping for this time!!!

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  15. Gahh... I feel the same way about my donor IUI cycles. Even though there is no reason to believe they shouldn't work. I just want to get them over with so I can finally move on to adoption and know that I exhausted all the other options that wouldn't require us to remortgage our house.

    I so hope that your IVF works. You really just never know. I am hoping & praying for you!

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  16. I'm sorry you feel pessimistic. I've been feeling pessimistic too, although I assume it will subside when/if I start another cycle... Of course, I haven't been at this as long as you, so I can only imagine how the repeating cycle of waiting/excitement/disappointment would take a toll.

    I'll be hoping that the third times the charm for you! (Both as your friend, and selfishly as someone who hopes DHEA is a magic fix for DOR...)

    Hugs!

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    1. I know, right? If this works, I'm going to kick myself for not trying DHEA sooner. Either way, I find it hard to start thinking of myself as an IVF veteran...but I guess I am. Yikes.

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  17. It's hard to keep hoping that things will turn out the way you want them too. But, as many of your commenters can attest to, these treatments can and do work. So here's hoping that the DHEA is working its magic and this works better that you're expecting.

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  18. Not having hope was always a defense mechanism I used... Just think of how pleasantly surprised you will be if it all works out. When things get rough with the cycle just remember you're awesome vacation.

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  19. It's hard to feel optimistic when you've experienced failure, but I still have hope for you! I'm glad you had a great vacation. Sounds like a wonderful tradition.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!