Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Four

That's it.  That's all that fertilized.

Out of my 9 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature.  Only half fertilized with ICSI.  

ICSI fertilization rates are normally in the 70 to 80% range, so clearly something is seriously wrong with my eggs.  All this time I'd had an illusion in my head that maybe my eggs weren't so bad, and if they could just get M's sperm inside them then things would be fine.

You see, M's male factor has to do with abnormal acrosomes, which is (as my RE explained it) the little drill that the sperm uses to break into the egg and fertilize it.  If that drill malfunctions, the sperm just can't get in and it's game over.  During his fancy shmancy sperm analysis, only 15% of M's sperm had normal acrosomes.  Not that I doubted that my DOR and likely poor egg quality played a role, but I held out hope that maybe the sperm just needed a little help getting in there and ICSI would fix everything.

I'm trying so very, very hard to remember that if I'd only had four eggs retrieved in the first place, I'd think that having four fertilized eggs was the best thing in the world.  And that yes, it only takes one (damn me for picking that blog name!)

But statistically, only 30% of fertilized eggs make it to blastocyst stage (the internets say so here).  Since we can't do a fresh transfer this time around, those embryos need to become blasts so they can be frozen for a future FET.  At 30%, that means we're only likely to have one after all.  If we have any.  At this point, I'm going down a negative thought spiral and while I managed to hold off crying at work, the dam has now burst and I just feel like this whole cycle is doomed to failure.

 It's going to be a very fucking long five days.

18 comments:

  1. Aww, hugs! The good news is you DID get 4 fertilized. Now we just have to hope that they grow into good little embies. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. You are in my thoughts.

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  2. I'm so sorry :(
    I'm cheering for you and your fertilized eggs! Even if the chances are lower, anything is still possible. Maybe your GOLDEN egg is among the 4! FX!

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  3. I'm sorry :( I bet those 4 that did fertilize were good eggs! And hopefully you can get an above average percentage of blastocyts - you still have a chance of getting up to 4! I really hope everything works out and I will be thinking of you.
    Dee

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  4. Ugh, I am so sorry that you did not get better news! I will think positive thoughts for those 4 embryos and cross my fingers that they turn into healthy blasts! You only need one! I am sorry that you are dealing with this stress. Do something fun to distract yourself for these five agonizing days!

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  5. Sorry you didn't get a better report. The bright side is you weren't cancelled and you have 4 embryos. I know how crappy it feels to have so few to count on. I have never given mine the chance to make it to blast because we did day 3 transfers. It's probably impossible but I hope you can find some distractions over the next 5 days. Will you get updates or do they just wait and tell you the final number? I will be thinking positive, growing thoughts to those little guys.

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  6. Four is enough to work with. Not only does it only take one, but many clinics transfer only one. Male factor is a whole entire box of crayons, so don't over blame the eggs you worked so hard to nurture! Plan that holiday! Hopefully it will create some distraction. Fingers crossed for those embies

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  7. Fuck infertility. If infertility were a person I would stab him. And then kick him in the balls. I don't do well when people I care about get hurt. Especially repeatedly. I know you are very disappointed with four. And you are right, it's going to be a long few days waiting for your final number. But Aramis, we are all hoping and holding our breath with you. More than anything, you are not alone in this. xo

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  8. listen I agree with a lot of everyone's comments. today you dont know what will get to day 5 and no one does/ i have read cycles were ladies get 20 eggs and they all crap out before day 5. there is no way to know. just say to yourself that you got 4 right now. focus on what you know and what you dont know. and to quote my re the cycle and the eggs only speak to your response at that time in that month. reproduction is highly variable. i will be keeping only the most positive thoughts for you!

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  9. Oh no, I'm sorry! Hoping and praying that all four make it to be frozen.

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  10. Ivf is seriously a crap shoot and looks can be deceiving. I know we all want to get lots of eggs and have great quality, then freeze some. Unfortunately that is the exception to the rule. In some cases, less is truly better. Fingers crossed for you!

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  11. Argh, it never gets any easier... OK, so to put your mind at ease, I agree with people commenting here that everything still points to getting at least one very good-quality blastocyst, which is all you need. Also, I know you've found this study and everything, but from my experience reading other IF blogs, it always seems that more than half make it to Day 5 without any issues, so think positive. And look at Family Van -- it appeared there was a very real chance that NONE of her embies would be viable after a lousy start in the petri dish, and now she's pregnant with twins. Anyway, you really just don't know what awaits, but it's worth being hopeful. Do you get daily reports from the clinic??

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    1. Yeah, I get daily reports. Today's was that all 4 are still going. Three are "where they should be" and one is "lagging but could catch up"; no specific details provided. I think it would be incredibly ironic if there was some way to know if the laggy embryo came from Fatty McFatterson. I also researched our particular clinic and they have a claim on their website that they have a 45 to 50% blast rate, so we'll see. I wasn't super worried about this morning, it's the jump from day 3 to 4 that will be the issue. Anyway, thanks to everyone for the optimistic thoughts!

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    2. That's good news, then! Three being exactly where they should be sounds totally promising... you're so close to blastocyst stage, argh... the wait must be killing you. But at least it's not a 2-week wait. :) Hoping hoping hoping hoping!!!

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  12. Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I'd feel exactly the way you do in your situation. Sending you positive thoughts that they all make it blast. That IVF sh*t sucks (excuse my language).

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  13. Replies
    1. No, our RE said we could if we wanted but she doesn't normally recommend it unless there's some kind of problem like recurrent miscarriages, and I'm only a year past 35 right now. It may be something we have to consider now though, if we end up having to do another cycle.

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  14. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry for the disappointing news. Your clinic seems to have some good stats, though. Imagine if you got two that made it to blast! I'm glad you're getting daily updates, too. I know you can't do anything to push your embryos along, but at least you get a chance to check in on them. Watch some bad tv. Read a book. Plan that vacation. Whatever you need to do to distract yourself. Wishing the very best for you and your embryos!

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  15. I know that four is disappointing, but you still got four (trying to be positive). Just keep thinking positive thoughts about the four you have and hopefully all of them will make it to day 5!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!