Saturday, 1 February 2014

7dp5dt: A week on the crazy train

Choo choo!  All aboard the crazy train!  No, actually, don't get on.  As much as I'd love the company, it really effing sucks here.  At least they have good snacks.

The weekend of my transfer, I was doing pretty good.  M settled me onto the couch, handed me the Xbox controller and proceeded to bring me anything I wanted.  This included copious amounts of Chicago Mix, a deliciously evil treat that I discovered in the gluten-free section of the grocery store.  For those that don't know, Chicago Mix is a delectable combination of cheese popcorn and caramel popcorn, providing the answer to all your salty/sweet cravings.  It ranks up there with my beloved Lindt 70% salted chocolate.  But don't worry, the embryo got some healthy food as well, and lots and lots of rest.  The most I moved around all weekend was to go upstairs to pee.

Monday was 2dp5dt.  Both M and I took the day off work.  I was starting to go a little stir crazy on the couch, not to mention the fact that my back and neck were feeling a little creaky from all the sitting/lying around, so Monday afternoon I found myself a nice easy pre-natal yoga workout on YouTube and went downstairs for a little stretch.  I had to fight the Little Voice a bit, as it was laughing at me for having the nerve to think of myself as "pre-natal", but I ended up feeling much better afterwards.  

Tuesday, 3dp5dt, was when things started to spiral out of control.  I think the problem was that M went back to work, while I stayed home one more day.  Despite having a dog to cuddle with, video games to play and lots of Chicago Mix to eat, for some reason I couldn't get my brain out of my uterus.  I started Googling.  You know, the usual.  "Early pregnancy symptoms", "3dp5dt symptoms", that kind of thing.  I also did something that I've never admitted to anyone before, because it's so fucking stupid and crazy.  I consulted a Magic 8 Ball.  Not even a real Magic 8 Ball, but an online version.  As if some program written by a Computer Science 101 student has the supernatural ability to somehow know whether or not I was pregnant.  And yet, when the answer came back as "My sources say no"...I felt deflated.  Defeated.  Done.  If that's not the definition of crazy, I have absolutely no idea what is.

4dp5dt, I went back to work.  Possibly the best thing I could have done at that stage.  I had plenty to catch up on, and precious little time to worry or Google.  I still managed to find some time to obsess; I mean, you didn't think I could totally control myself, did you?  HAHAHA.   You're stupid if you did.  Dummy.

Then, magically, sometime on 5dp5dt, I had a moment.  A moment of clarity, if you will, where I realized that right now I might be the most pregnant that I will ever be.  An embryo had been put inside me 5 days ago, goddammit, which by every definition meant that I was pregnant.  And I could either enjoy it, and act and think like I was pregnant, or I could spend my time in a huge funk worrying about some time in the future when I might not be pregnant anymore.  A zen-like calm settled over me.  Man, those 24 hours were the best I think I've had in my whole infertility journey.

And then poof!  The calm was gone and the crazy psycho bitch was back.  6dp5dt, and the doubts all started to creep back in.  The Little Voice started shouting at me.  "You don't actually think you could be pregnant, do you?  That's hilarious!  It's insane!  You're fooling yourself if you think that, and the sooner you can test and put yourself out of your stupid misery the better, you stupid stupid cow!  AHAHAHAHA!  You, pregnant!  I die!!!"  Just to shut that damn voice up, I probably would have tested if I'd actually had any HPTs in the house. 

Today is 7dp5dt.  The FRERs have been purchased.  I'm at least hoping I can make it through until tomorrow morning, because I've already Googled enough to know that if I get a negative I'll just wonder if it was too early, or if it was a false negative because I didn't use FMU or something.  I'm pretty confident in an 8dp5dt FMU result, and I'll at least have to whole day to mourn before having to drag my puffy cried-out eyes into the office on Monday morning. 'Cause yeah, for the record, I'm pretty confident we're heading for another BFN.  For the record, the Magic 8 Ball agrees.

15 comments:

  1. Could the crazy psycho bitch and the Little Voice go out for a stiff drink and leave you in peace for a while? I'll send them into timeout if not. (And really, a drink or timeout, that should be an easy decision.)
    I'm sorry the 2ww is driving you crazy. I'm all for prenatal yoga - as you said, right now you are pregnant, and I think positive thinking (or gentle yoga) can't hurt.
    Hoping that the CS 101 student was wrong, and that there are many more months of prenatal yoga in your future.

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  2. That does sound like a crazy week. I'm glad at least the yoga and the moment of clarity brought some peace. And it's so true, the things that work one day to bring peace of mind may not work the next day (or the next hour). I'm having difficulties with being alone lately too, which is so unlike me. So whatever, I ask people to come keep me company. I guess that's the only thing I can think of to suggest: try to pay attention to what your body and mind and heart need and then don't be afraid to ask for it. Whatever happens we are here to support.

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  3. Ha this sounds all too normal for a 2ww for an infertile. :-) don't give up hope if you get a negative result tomorrow- it's still early! (My dr said to wait until 10d5dt to test)

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  4. I was just thinking about you. And your uterus. Is that weird? I hope that little guy is getting all snuggly and you wake up to 2 pretty pink lines tomorrow.

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  5. oh my gosh the anticipation is killing me, I can only imagine how you feel!! I will be sending you so many good positive vibes over the next 24 hours.

    p.s. I saw the chicago mix in costco but I wasn't sure how cheese and sweet would go together... now I regret not buying it!

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  6. For the record, an actual Magic 8 Ball told me "with certainty" that I was going to have a baby by the end of last year. I've never wanted a positive test result so much!

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  7. Our TWW after the IUI was terrible. I can't imagine how much worse it is after IVF. Praying for you!

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  8. The 2ww is torture! I'm glad you found at least a few moments of zen, and I have everything crossed that you see two beautiful pink lines tomorrow morning!

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  9. That magic 8 ball better be wrong. I'm hoping it was faulty, somehow! Praying for you!!! And I totally need to
    find me some Chicago mix!

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  10. Haha on the magic eight ball. We can all agree that is nuts. Thinking if you! Good luck tomorrow!

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  11. I'm praying for those two seet lines!!

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  12. Are you actually going to get a blood test if the FRER turns out to be negative? I'm not!!!

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  13. I've been aboard the crazy train more times than I'd like to count. Hoping you get some nice distractions from all of this and sail through to your beta. Not something I've ever been able to do, but still something I wish for you!

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  14. This is a very good post. Just wonderful. Truly, I am amazed at what informative things you've told us today Pregnancy Week by Week

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  15. I am currently 7dp5dt and am reading this post as if I had written it,......I took a FRER at lunch yesterday, at work, in a bathroom stall and it was a BFN, while I was at Walgreens I also bought myself a coloring book and colored pencils to help console me after wards if it was a BFN.....good thing I bought them. Couldnt bring myself to test this morning, it happens to be my birthday and thats all the bad news I can take.....tomorrow afternoon is my Beta. Im feeling like Im out, This is my 2nd FET, First one was a chemical pregnancy.........

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!