My chemical romance

No point keeping anyone in suspense.  By beta HCG this morning (11dp5dt, or16dpo) came back at 14.  In the nurse's words, that's "extremely low".  She tried to maintain a positive attitude by saying that "all hope isn't necessarily lost", but I thanked her and told her I knew enough to know how this would work out.  She didn't contradict me.  At 14, I probably wouldn't even have gotten a line if I'd POASed this morning, so clearly my HCG is dropping from whatever it was at its peak when I got my positive tests.  Though I have to keep taking my meds and go back in for confirmation on Friday, it looks like I get to add "chemical pregnancy" to my infertility resume.

In other firsts, today I saw my husband cry for the first time.  Thank you, infertility, for finishing off our last IVF in such a gut-wrenching way.  Nothing like the old "fake 'em out" move before twisting the knife.  You really got us.  Good on you.

In the "things that went right today" category, Toronto is currently in the midst of a snowstorm.  They shut my office at 1pm and sent us all home.  There couldn't possibly have been a better day for it.  I'm currently in fleecy pants, tissues on standby, ready for those moments (and there have already been quite a few) when it feels like it's just all too much to bear and I can't breathe.  Including the one in which I called and told my mom the results, and couldn't help but blurt out "I'm never going to have a baby, mom!" before both of us dissolved into tears.

Thank you to everyone for reading and commenting and supporting me over the past few days.  The love and support I've gotten from all of you is overwhelming.  I had no idea when I started this blog just over a year ago that I'd have literally hundreds of people rooting so hard for us.  It makes this very heavy burden just that little bit lighter to bear, and you have no idea what it means to me to know you're out there.

And please, though I know it will be well-meant, no "I know someone who had an HCG of 6 at 18dpo and it doubled and now they have a healthy baby!" stories in the comments.  If that happens to me don't get me wrong, I'll be overjoyed.  But it's not going to and it won't help me to hear about it.  The only thing that will help right now is time.  Time, and copious amounts of crappy, gluten-filled food.  Eat my feelings?  Yes, please.