Wednesday, 5 February 2014

My chemical romance

No point keeping anyone in suspense.  By beta HCG this morning (11dp5dt, or16dpo) came back at 14.  In the nurse's words, that's "extremely low".  She tried to maintain a positive attitude by saying that "all hope isn't necessarily lost", but I thanked her and told her I knew enough to know how this would work out.  She didn't contradict me.  At 14, I probably wouldn't even have gotten a line if I'd POASed this morning, so clearly my HCG is dropping from whatever it was at its peak when I got my positive tests.  Though I have to keep taking my meds and go back in for confirmation on Friday, it looks like I get to add "chemical pregnancy" to my infertility resume.

In other firsts, today I saw my husband cry for the first time.  Thank you, infertility, for finishing off our last IVF in such a gut-wrenching way.  Nothing like the old "fake 'em out" move before twisting the knife.  You really got us.  Good on you.

In the "things that went right today" category, Toronto is currently in the midst of a snowstorm.  They shut my office at 1pm and sent us all home.  There couldn't possibly have been a better day for it.  I'm currently in fleecy pants, tissues on standby, ready for those moments (and there have already been quite a few) when it feels like it's just all too much to bear and I can't breathe.  Including the one in which I called and told my mom the results, and couldn't help but blurt out "I'm never going to have a baby, mom!" before both of us dissolved into tears.

Thank you to everyone for reading and commenting and supporting me over the past few days.  The love and support I've gotten from all of you is overwhelming.  I had no idea when I started this blog just over a year ago that I'd have literally hundreds of people rooting so hard for us.  It makes this very heavy burden just that little bit lighter to bear, and you have no idea what it means to me to know you're out there.

And please, though I know it will be well-meant, no "I know someone who had an HCG of 6 at 18dpo and it doubled and now they have a healthy baby!" stories in the comments.  If that happens to me don't get me wrong, I'll be overjoyed.  But it's not going to and it won't help me to hear about it.  The only thing that will help right now is time.  Time, and copious amounts of crappy, gluten-filled food.  Eat my feelings?  Yes, please.

49 comments:

  1. First of all let me say how sorry I am that you have to go through this pain. Infertility is so unfair and mean. Please take some time for yourself, rather that means screaming, crying, drinking a bottle of wine and wiping out a box of crispy creme donuts, or all of the above.

    Sending you so many hugs from Oklahoma. My heart is hurting for you :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh hun. I am so sorry you have to go through this. My heart hurts for you and I wish I could do something. As I read those words you spoke to your mom I broke down in tears because it just isn't fair. Please take time for yourself and know that you have tons of people praying for you. God bless you and lots of prayers coming your way :(

    ReplyDelete
  3. blah. this sucks. what a rude final twist. good plan on the PJs. definitely eat your feelings. were here for you

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ughhhh! I'm so, so sorry! I know exactly what you're going through as I just went through a "chemical" myself after IVF. Beta of 6... who the hell gets that? Stay on meds, wash and repeat. It sucks. It sucks a lot. Large amounts of carbs and a few sleep PM have been getting me through. I hate this for you. It's so unfair for there to be so much hope in the last moments of your last try with your own eggs... I'm sorry it ended this way. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so, so sorry this was the result. Chemical pregnancies are such a mind fuck. They get your hopes up and then everything comes crashing down so quickly. I'm so sorry ((hugs)).

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry. There are no words. There are no comforts. Eat up my dear. Drink up too. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so, so sorry. Lifting you both up. This sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh fuck. And double fuck. This just so royally sucks. Comfort yourself with copious pasta, pizza, ice cream and wine. Because f-you universe, you couldn't just go with the clean break, you had to go out with the jagged and twisting knife. I'm so very, very sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Aramis. There are no words. Please know I'm thinking of you. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have no words besides I'm sorry and you're in my thoughts. Know that I'm here for you <3

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've been following your blog for a year now as it has helped me so tremendously with my own infertility journey. I fucking hate the way this turned out for you as I've also experienced the elusive happiness of a chemical pregnancy. While I sit here crying sad angry tears with you, I also sincerely hope you will have a happy resolution to this hellish journey one day.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My heart sank when I saw the title of this post...Aramis, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. It's just so fucking unfair, and I hate that you are going through this. Of course there is nothing to say... no words that will make this OK. Just know we are all here for you, whatever you need, cry, scream, vent, rage... we are here to support you in every way. Again, so sorry...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Crying on this end with you. I'm so, so sorry for this news. I wish I could take it all away. To replace the despair caused by this loss with what you both deserve. Do what you need to do in the days to come to survive this. And know that you and your husband are being wrapped in love.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm so so sorry. You're right, those stories of "I heard of this one woman whose first beta was negative 64..." never help.
    Toronto's snow storm is well timed. Chicago is getting pelted as well. Lie on your couch with your husband. Cry and watch shitty, shitty movies/tv. TLC and Bravo are treasure troves of crap. Pizza and ice cream for dinner because why the fuck not. You get to be super unbearably sad for as long as you need and we're all here for you.
    They'll have you go in for repeat betas. You can limit the number of betas you do. I found them too painful after a while. It's your choice, not their's. (My clinic wanted me to do a bazillion because... it was interesting?) So long as they confirm you're back down to zero in a reasonable time, they have done their job.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This sucks. I'm so sorry this is how this cycle turned out. So hopeful and then so...not. Big hugs to you. Stay in your comfy pants and eat as much crap as you want for as long as you need to.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so sorry. Nothing to say that hasn't been said, and I have nothing to say that will help, but I'm devastated for you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm so sorry that you have to endure this. This is so so unfair! My heart breaks for you and really, there is nothing to say to make you feel better. And it breaks my heart to read that you saw M cry for the first time. :( :( :( Sending love and comfort your way to both you and M from here.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Please let me know if you need anything. Someone to vent to, cry to, yell at... You have my email. Hugs, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know the pain of all of this - and I am sending you a wish for peace in your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I came from In Quest of Binky Moongee and I wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry :/ I know the pain you are feeling and my heart aches for you! Hugs!!!

    waitingforbabybird.com

    ReplyDelete
  21. Sorry to hear this, Aramis. I'm glad you updated us even though it was likely the last thing you wanted to do today. Stay warm in the snow storm, and good luck with whatever you decide to do next!

    --Violetta

    ReplyDelete
  22. Sorry to hear this. Hugs from all of us who are supporting you!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I hate that this is happening to you... I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Infertility is extremely hard on both partners. A loss is never taken lightly regardless of when it happens. Thinking of u.

    ReplyDelete
  25. FUUUUUCK. My heart just fell out into my stomach. Oh, friend. I'm so so sorry.

    I wish I could don some fleecy pants, curl up next to you on the couch, and watch terrible television. That sort of numb is all I can think of that would do.

    I'm thinking of you like crazy, okay? It doesn't actually help in any real way like I would like it to. But just know that I am.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm so sorry. I was hoping so hard for you today. This is shit-- completely unfair and heartbreaking. My second miscarriage was a "chemical pregnancy." My beta came back at 20 and I had already started bleeding. I hate the term "chemical pregnancy" so much. It fucking hurts, and it's a real, true loss. I wish I could say something to make it hurt a little less. Take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh no, come on, Universe. I saw the title of your post in Jane's sidebar and my mood dropped - which, after a day of stressful work and having a cold and all, is saying something. I'm so annoyed on your behalf. Fuming, even. This is so unfair. And I'm so sorry that you had to experience your husband crying from the pain and unfairness of it all. Seeing his tears somehow increases the pain even more, at least for me.
    Hang in there, and take good care of yourself. I'll send you a virtual, non-contagious hug and hope that the snowstorm will grant you some more time to recover. Least you can do, Universe.

    ReplyDelete
  28. My heart is breaking for you. Fucking infertility. I am so, so sorry this is happening. There is nothing I can say, but know I am thinking of you and cursing the universe on your behalf.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I hate this, I am so very sorry. This is just so unfair and I wish I knew what to say... I am thinking about you

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm so sorry! Argh .... fuck chemical pregnancies! I'm just so sorry ...

    ReplyDelete
  31. Just letting you know that I'm sorry and my heart breaks for you right now. I've had three chemical pregnancies and they are such a nasty, horrible little tease because you get hopeful only to have the rug pulled out from under you. Keep the hope and faith that you will be a mom one day. It might not happen the way you thought it would but it still can.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I am so, so sorry. So damned unfair. Sending love.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I'm so sorry hear this. I will be thinking of you and your husband. If you're looking for suggestions, my go-to sucky situation remedy is Dawson's Creek on Netflix, while eating frosting out of a can with a spoon.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh Fuck.

    I am so very sorry.

    My heart is breaking for you. Sending you a big hug.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm sorry. It's terrible when you've waited so long for those two lines just to get it stolen away. Prayers and (((hugs))).

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am new, but I wanted to say I am also so very sorry. I am sorry for the hurt you and your husband are experiencing. I am sorry for the ache and unfairness of IF. Please know that I am also praying for you both.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Argh!! So sorry Aramis. This is why I never have the nerve to POAS during my 2ww...if I had a chemical, it would be a lot harder for me than just a negative. Sending you love.....

    ReplyDelete
  38. Can I eat some of the feelings for you too? I mean, I love eating (A LOT!)...and I'd hate for you to eat them all alone. :( Thinking of you. Hoping for the the best and praying for some peace to come your way.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I'm so sorry. This sucks. You deserve better. :-( Hugs and warm thoughts to you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm sorry you have found yourself at these cross roads... As someone who had made the decision to pursue donor eggs and live child free I can say that making the decision its self is a lot harder than living with them. Once you have committed to a path things get much easier. Hang in there

    ReplyDelete

I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!