Tuesday, 4 February 2014

To be or not to be?

That is indeed the question.  Just when I thought that the crazy train was about to pull into the station and let me off, it revved up again, crashed through a barrier and is now on a dangerous runaway trajectory.

I tested again this morning, 10dp5dt, and the line is not darker.  It is not lighter.  It is the EXACT.  SAME.  AS 8dp5dt.

See for yourselves

We all know this is not good news.  I know HPTs are supposed to be qualitative and not quantitative, but I've seen enough pee stick progressions on blogs in the last two years to know that lines get darker.  Especially after two days, when the HCG in my system is supposed to have doubled.  These FRERs were done at the same time of day, with FMU, and they're from the same box.

Fuuuuuuuck.

Of course today ended up being not too busy at work, so I obsessively Googled all day and just got myself more and more worked up.  Virtually none of these stories end well.  It's always a chemical pregnancy, or an endless cycle of low betas that ends in an early miscarriage.  While all of the commenters on various forum posts go on and on about how their lines were light and now they have a kid toddling around, the person asking the frantic question "15dpo should my line be darker???" always seems to end up with a bad result.  And right now, that person is me.

Double fuuuuuuck.

I stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and bought more FRERs, as well as a Clearblue Digital with the pregnancy date indicator.  I had held my pee all afternoon and tested with the digital when I got home.  I still ended up getting a "Pregnant 1-2 weeks", so there's that.  But since I'm technically 15dpo, I should probably be "2-3 weeks" instead.  

Triple fuuuuuuuuck.

Obviously, I've gone insane.  I've gone from "OMG I got my first BFP!" happy dances to "yeah, this isn't going to end well" depression.  I called my clinic and bumped my beta up to tomorrow morning.  I feel sick to my stomach, and it's not from HCG in my system.  It's from dread.  Why does this have to happen?

Fuuuuuuuuck.

34 comments:

  1. Yup you have gone insane. All you can do is make it through the night and get that beta number. So many things can effect the HPT, namely how much you drank the night before! So just survive till the beta. And then survive till the second beta! Thinking of you!

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  2. I know exactly how you are feeling and it sucks. The problem is, we know to much going through this. Thinking of you.

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  3. I know it's hard, but hang in there. I've been following your blog for quite some time now, and I'm really pulling for you! Two things come to mind -- I haven't read the instructions on those Clearblue tests, but I'm thinking that the time timeline on the results probably doesn't count the first 2 ("pre-ovulation") weeks, so perhaps you really should be 1-2 weeks now? The second is -- are you on progesterone supplements? I had my FET last October, and I learned by 7dp5dt that I needed more progesterone (the Crinone wasn't cutting it, and I had to switch to shots).

    I have seen people go on to have normal healthy pregnancies when it seemed like their test result lines did not darken. Best of luck!!

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  4. Hang in there and good luck tomorrow. I will say for my first chemical pregnancy, the line wasn't the same, it was lighter. And two days after my initial positive, it was basically negative. You just can't analyze these lines. Wait for tomorrow and see how it goes. The blood test is the only thing you can go by, and remember, it is not good for you or the embryo to stress. Hang in!

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  5. It doesn't ever seem to end well, and my personal experience in this area did not ever end well. HOWEVER...I never went through IVF. I follow a lot of blogs and it does seem that many women experience slow rising HCG after a FET. Your lines and potentially low betas would not be as ominous in that world. It seems that sometimes those little frozen embryos take a minute to warm up and burrow in. Also, the line does darken as it dries...if you have a pic of the first test right after you took it, that might be a little more accurate to compare to. I don't want to give you false hope, but in the case of a FET, it really does seem that there are more exceptions to the doubling rule. I will pray that all ends well for you.

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  6. Ughhh!!! I hate home pregnancy tests... literally hate them. I think I have symptoms of PTSD from just holding them. I'd have thought and looked up all the same things, so I don't think you're crazy. But I'm really hopeful that this is just HPTs being awful and unpredictable... holding out hope that things will be looking better tomorrow!

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  7. It doesn't always end badly. I had a chemical pregnancy a few months ago after noticing the line wasn't getting darker at around 14 or 15 dpo. (CP happened about a week later, but was detected at that point by bloodwork.)

    Fast forward to this December. My tests weren't getting darker. I mean really - they were absolutely not getting darker. Lighter if anything. I cried for hours and mourned the loss of my pregnancy. I was 99.9% certain the pregnancy was lost. It was an emotional roller coaster I never, ever want to ride again. But, beta testing showed otherwise, and I'm 10 weeks today.

    I really hope things turn out well for you also.

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  8. It's so hard not to stress and over analyze pee sticks! I actually thought it looked slightly darker, but it is hard to tell from a picture. The one thing I know is that you WILL have a positive tomorrow. The question will be for the second beta. I'm so glad they were able to push your beta test forward to tomorrow! Good luck!

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  9. Although my story didn't end well, it wasn't a chemical pregnancy. I had the lightest lines on my tests (which I stole from my office) and I had a totally negative test the day before my beta came in at 183. I don't think I had a test that I didn't have to wait nearly ten minutes and squint to see a line until I was almost 6 weeks. Pregnancy tests will just fuck with you, but it's a right of passage. Of note, I did see some darker lines on bloggers who ended up with a chemical pregnancy. Here's the link if you want to look at my pics, but I suspect you may have already...

    http://minetocommand.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-poas-diaries.html

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  10. Oh man...this is definitely crazy-making. And as a perpetual worrier myself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of the crazy. I'm just going to sit with you in the crazy.

    Sending you love and hugs and praying for some happy betas.

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  11. Sending lots of love as you prepare for tomorrow's beta! I hope its a beautiful, strong number!

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  12. First, step away from the pee sticks! Second, I'm glad you got your first beta moved up. I hope getting a positive number tomorrow will help ease your fears a little, but I know it means nothing til that number doubles two days later. Fingers crossed that's exactly what happens. Either way, you are pregnant today.

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  13. Don't throw in the towel just yet! Thinking of you tomorrow for your beta!

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  14. I agree with Daryl. No more pee sticks! I am looking forward to great beta number tomorrow. Thinking of you.

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  15. I just went through the Exact.Same.Thing. (and just posted about it as wel, if you're curiousl) My, betas were fine to my great surprise, and I actually found through my obsessive googling that things are fine about half the time, which surprised me. I'm pulling for you.

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  16. Hang in there! I'm going through a very similar thing right now (we have blood work Thursday) and I'm also FREAKING OUT. Definitely thinking of you!!

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  17. There's so much that can affect HPT results, hence the reason these suckers are far from quantitative. As far is tonight, distraction is key (forget positive thinking as I'm sure you'll drive yourself crazy with guilt). Bad movies, a good book, a run, whatever it takes. Just stop consulting Dr. G.oogle and instead focus on taking care of yourself. Thinking of you tonight and hoping.

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  18. I will try not to blow TOO much fluff up your ass, but I still think you have a chance! FX!!

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  19. HPT's are the absolute worst!!!! Try to think on the bright side- you got multiple positive tests! My fingers are crossed for your beta results today! XOXO

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  20. Ugh, this sounds like awful stress. I have no words of experience/wisdom because I'm some kind of IF anomaly and only used an HPT one time each time I got pregnant (so my line was always super light). But I will say my fingers are crossed for you and I'm truly hoping all goes well with both your betas. Good vibes coming your way!

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  21. The fact that your tests aren't getting lighter is huge. I've been exactly where you are far too many times. I hope you get a great beta. It's definitely too early to say its a chemical.

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  22. We are all so well educated on TTC that it's a curse at times like these. There are so many things that can effect to shade of your test. Sending good vibes. Lots of them.

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  23. No No No No NO! I'm so sorry. Here's hoping that you're on the right side of the odds. Thinking about you.

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  24. Clearly insane. I will say that, for me, the line didn't get dark until 14dpIUI. Until then, it stayed frustratingly light. Praying for you to have peace today. Is your first beta scheduled?

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  25. Hey,

    I just stumbled on your blog here. When I first found out I was pregnant after my FET (my first beta was 65 at 10dp3dt) I went out and bought like 5 hpts. I used them correspondingly to the betas and even when my beta reached over 500, the line remained the same on the hpt. My husband got so fed up with me freaking out about them, he threw them all out! Just trust your betas!!

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  26. I'm so sorry! I know what it's like to will that damn stick to get darker, but it won't. :( Fuck is right. But! The numbers will tell you ... and maybe they'll tell you wonderful things of a healthy, progressing baby!

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  27. I agree no more sticks. I am praying for an amazing beta today!

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  28. Thinking of you today. Sending positive vibes your way.

    PS) Great news that you got your beta moved up.

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  29. I will say that I tested for 10ish days straight before I was able to get my beta and my tests NEVER got darker. I used FRERs as well as cheapies and they NEVER got darker. However, when I got my beta, my numbers were doubling correctly and I'm now 13 weeks along. I know it's hard not to obsess, but try not to, it'll only drive you (more) crazy.

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  30. Oh Aramis, I have no experience to share here at all, but I hope with all my heart that your betas today are awesome.

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  31. Hoping you get a promising beta result today. I am very familiar with analyzing the strength of a FRER test line. Never fun. But I wouldn't say you're out yet-- sometimes it takes a few days to see a noticeable difference. And I always had the darkest lines with SMU rather than FMU. Thinking of you!

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  32. I know your test is this morning, so I really hope it goes well and you come back with some strong numbers. Thinking of you with crossed fingers!

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  33. The more we know the more we stress for sure. Damn Dr. Google!!! I stressed about my beta's not doubling (big time) and here I am 15 weeks pregnant with twins so you can never tell. I will be praying for a great beta!!

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  34. I've gone through beta hell twice. Once it worked out, once it didn't. Pee sticks are poor communicators of the outcome of a pregnancy. I'm pulling for you, I know what a mind fuck this is.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!