Jumbled thoughts

A week ago today, I got my first BFP.  Then, just as quickly, it was gone.  And with it, any chance I had of a biological child.

It's easy to see why they say not to make any major life decisions while you're in a state of emotional distress.  My mind is all over the place.  While I previously thought that we'd move on to donor eggs if this cycle failed, now I'm not so sure.  The thought of doing any of this ever again fills me with dread and fear.  While I know the odds of success are much higher with donor eggs, they're still not even close to 100%.  Something many of you already know all too well.  The idea of draining what's left of our savings, only to fail again, is unbearable.

If we did go the donor route, where would we go?  Which country?  Which clinic?  Should we pay more for a guaranteed program so that we would get our money back (to possibly pursue adoption) if we fail, or gamble by paying less for just one cycle in the hopes that we'd get lucky on our first try?  What about donor anonymity?  It doesn't bother me, and in some countries it's mandated by law, but would that be fair to a child?  If you want to read a whole lot of stories from donor children who are plenty pissed off that they don't know their anonymous bio parents, go here.  To hear some of them tell it, they'd rather not even exist than be the product of a third party anonymous donor.  M thinks most of the stories are written by angsty teenagers who are in the "I hate my parents / searching for my identity" phase, but I'm not so sure.  There's so much to think about.  It's overwhelming.

On the other hand, would we find peace if we just decided that we were done and walked away from it all?  If we resigned ourselves to a childless life, and resolved to make the absolute best of it with just the two of us?  In the past few days we've talked a lot about how much sadness this struggle to have children has brought to us.  How we've spent basically the first (soon to be) three years of our marriage in a semi-constant state of anticipation, disappointment and heartache.  Sure, we're not constantly sad on a day to day basis (well, not usually).  We've had fun and good times.  But I think we both feel like we've weathered more than our fair share of troubled waters for such a short marriage, and that we deserve some happiness for a change.  Would we find that by stopping treatment?  Or would it just make things worse, knowing that we're giving up forever on the idea of being parents?

I guess I feel like if I knew what path to take, everything would feel better.  But I know that's kidding myself.  I just feel so unbearably sad, all the time, and I want it to go away.  I don't want to have to go to work or see friends and smile and lie and say "good, thanks" when people ask me how I am.  I don't want to have to avert my eyes from the cute baby in line ahead of me at the grocery store because I might lose it and start crying.  I don't want to have to hide my face when my thoughts get the better of me and I start weeping on the subway, big fat silent tears dropping onto my parka as everyone sneaks glances and wonders what's wrong with me.  I don't want any of this.

I just want to feel normal again.  But I don't know how to do that either.