A Very Infertile Christmas

It seems funny to think that this time last year, M and I were only about three months into our infertility journey.  I wasn't yet sure that anything was wrong, although I was starting to have my suspicions.  I had been fantasizing about being able to tell our parents about a pregnancy at Christmas via some weird little "You're going to be grandparents!" gift.  

I'm not having that fantasy this year.

Don't get me wrong.  I know I'm lucky in very many respects.  We're not surrounded by children at the holidays like lots of other infertiles, so we're not facing a constant reminder of our barrenness.  We're staying with M's family this year and he's only got one younger brother who is recently divorced with no kids.  I will miss seeing my family, though.  We decided earlier in the year that if we were still working on IVF, we would save our money and not fly out to see my family this Christmas (special thanks to Air Canada for their annual douchebaggery in raising holiday fares to near extortion levels).  It's fine, since M's family is amazing and I couldn't ask for better in-laws, but it's still a little weird.  Even if I haven't been home for every Christmas day, I at least made it back to see my family for part of the holidays for every one of the last 36 years.  This year Skype will have to do.  On the plus side, it saves me from seeing my many fertile cousins and having to endure the inevitable questions about when we're starting our family, since my mom probably hasn't gone into it with them.  Not sorry to be missing that.

All in all, although I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning and gifts and delicious turkey dinner, it kind of feels like just a normal day.  Not all of the excitement and thrill I felt when I was younger.  I've heard lots of people say that Christmas kind of loses its charm for a while before you have your own family, at which point the magic comes back since you're seeing the excitement through your childrens' eyes.  I can definitely see that happening with my niece, and I'm still holding out hope that it will happen for M and I too.

If it doesn't...well, I guess we'll save a shit ton on Barbie crap and spend winter in the Bahamas.  Gotta find that silver lining, right?

My fellow infertiles, allow me to wish you the absolute best of the holiday season.  I hope you all manage to navigate your way through your particular emotional minefields relatively unscathed, and that the pregnant bellies and insensitive comments keep themselves to an absolute minimum.  May we all find a quiet moment of peace to appreciate what we have, even if it's not exactly everything we want.  Merry Christmas.