Friday, 7 December 2012

Miscarriage

I just got off the phone with my mom.  My sister is miscarrying as I write this.

My sis is 34, and has a 3 year old daughter who is my only niece and the light of my life.  Earlier this year, she and her husband sold their house so they could get something both bigger and cheaper so that they could expand their family.

This is her second miscarriage since then.  The first happened this summer, at six weeks.  This time, it's a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks.  She started spotting Monday.  She rested and it went away, but then it came back mid-week and she went to the ER, where she waited forever until finally giving up and going home.  The she had blood drawn at her family doctor's office and got the bad news...her beta was plummeting.  It was all but certain that it was over.  She had her 12 week scan planned for today anyway, so she went ahead fully expecting the bad news.  They told her the baby had probably stopped developing at 8 weeks.  They'll wait and see if a D&C is necessary.

My sis has been amazing throughout my infertility struggle.  When she got pregnant this summer, she actually went online to look up how to tell an infertile person that you're pregnant.  She called me and told me without making a big deal about it, without expecting me to be overjoyed.  Understanding that I'd be hurt and jealous too, and being ok with that and asking me how I was.  Then when my IVF got cancelled in October and the IUI failed, she was there for me.  Just letting me vent and cry and not giving any of the usual platitudes that fertiles give when they don't know what to say.  She just listened.

I really, really don't want this to be happening to her too.  I don't want infertility to be the family business.  I don't want her to go through what I'm going through, although at this point I'm starting to think she might have the shittier end of the stick.  At least I'm not losing the babies that I can't make.  When my RE took my initial medical history she asked if anyone in my family had a history of DOR or early menopause.  I answered no, but since most of my aunts had their children in their 20s I guess we don't know what their ovarian reserve was like later on.  And my family isn't exactly one of those that talks about their feelings a lot, so I have no idea about their menopause experiences.  My mom's was normal, that's all I know.  But DOR can apparently have a genetic component, so what if that's happening here?  What if my baby sister is destined to follow this path too?  She got pregnant within a month of trying at age 31 for her daughter, and I think we all just assumed number two would be a breeze as well.  What if she was just really lucky the first time out and we didn't know it until now?

I'd be lying if I said this didn't also make me worry about myself.  Even if we can get some eggs to grow on our next IVF, and even if they fertilize (something we haven't even gotten a chance to try yet), does this mean I'm more likely to miscarry?  Are we going to go down this road too?

The worst part of the whole thing is that I live halfway across the country from my family so I can't just stop by and hug my sis or take my niece out for a bit to give my sister some time to herself.  All I can do is send a text message asking if she's ok and if she wants to talk, which she assures me she doesn't right now.  Like I said, we're a family of stoics, so...not so good with the huggy feeling-y stuff.

All I keep thinking is: not her too.  Please, universe.  Not her too.

7 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for what both you and your sister are going through. I've never been pregnant, either, but I can't even imagine the pain of a miscarriage. Hugs to you both.

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  2. Oh God, I'm so sorry for your sister- and you. Cognitively it would seem that the more miscarriages you have, the more numb to them you would get. So not true- the opposite actually happens. In this dark time, I'm glad that your sister has you to support her.

    My stomach is in knots.

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  3. Thanks you guys. She seems to be doing fine but hasn't really wanted to talk about it yet. I just hope she's not trying to avoid coming to me because she knows how emotional I get about my own situation. Anyway, thanks for the kind thoughts.

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  4. I am very sorry. I think having a miscarriage would be just horrible. I'm glad that you both have each other. It sounds like you have a good relationship.

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  5. Your sister sounds like such a thoughtful person. And you do too. :)

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  6. It's shitty that you are both going through these struggles, but it is awesome you have such a solid support system in each other.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!