Monday, 23 September 2013

Bad dreams and bad feelings

Dreams fascinate me.  I know lots of bloggers who have said they're bored hearing about others' dreams, but to me they're an intimate little window into someone's subconscious mind.  I love trying to parse them, figure out where they came from and what they mean, and discover what they say about the dreamer.

Last night I dreamed that I was making hard boiled eggs.  I put a bunch of them into a pot of boiling water and walked away for a little bit, but when I came back it was obvious something had gone wrong.  The shells had broken and the water was filled with bits of cooked egg white, as well as what looked like little blobs of cooked ground chicken.  I quickly realized that something was wrong with the eggs; instead of yolks, there were little dead chicks inside each one.  I pulled the egg carton out of the fridge and used a flashlight to look through the shells to see if I could find any good eggs to use.  But there weren't any.  They were all bad.

I guess it doesn't take a PhD to figure that one out.

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I think I feel like I deserved that bad dream last night.  Have you ever had an opportunity to say the right thing to someone, and for whatever stupid reason you instead choose to say the wrong thing?  Something that maybe isn't hurtful in and of itself, but has just a little bit of sting so that it takes the wind out of someone's sails?  Something that makes it so that everything is about you, when it should be about them?  I did that yesterday and I feel like shit about it.  I tried to make it better afterwards but I think it was too late.  At least I feel bad enough about it that I probably won't ever do it again.  

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I got my period yesterday.  I go in for my first Lupron depot shot on Wednesday.  I'm nervous about how my body is going to react to it.  I already get some night sweats at the start of my cycle when my estrogen and progesterone are really low...what's going to happen to me when my whole system gets shut down?  This worry found its way into my dreams last night too.  I dreamed that I couldn't find a nurse to give me the shot, because they were all scared of what it was going to do to me.

This is all going to be worth it, right?

Right?

15 comments:

  1. In a word: yes. Yes, it's worth it.

    Lupron gave me zero side effects, hope that makes you feel a tad better. Also, that dream is crazy! No question what your subconscious is stressing out over.

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  2. Yes. I'm praying that ALL of this will be worth it. XO

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  3. Oh Aramis... I can tell you are so stressed out right now. Sometimes when we are in the thick of all this infertility Sh*t, we just aren't ourselves and say things we normally wouldn't say. I know I have.

    I'm sorry for the bad dreams. I wish I had a magical solution for all your heartache. I am praying for you and sending you all the good vibes in the world to help you get through this. xo

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  4. I'm sorry for the bad dreams and the stress that's causing them. But I hope that it will indeed be worth it in the end.

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  5. Just keep doing the best that you can! (repeat mantra) No one's prefect and hello....you're under a TON of stress right now. We all say things that we don't mean at the time. Apologize and move on. Still cheering for you!

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  6. jesuschrist, woman. this was a horrible dream. and you did not deserve to have it because of some possibly stinging comment you made to someone the day before (because everyone has bad days and says salty snarky things and clearly you're paying for it enough already in guilt). luckily, they (dreams) are not some weird premonition about what's to come, they're only a reflection of our subconscious fears (when fear is the thing that is happening in our life at the moment) that we might do a good job of managing during the day when we have our wise mind on duty to even things out with reason and good judgment. I hopehope all of this stress and fear is worth it. Good thoughts shooting your way from this corner of the universe!

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  7. I had a dream last several times last night that I wanted to have a baby with my own eggs but no one would let me. Sadly, this is exactly my reality.

    It's going to be worth it. I just know it has to be!

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  8. Mean dreams!
    I hope the lupron treats you well, and that it all will be worth it.

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  9. Oh boy. What a bad dream. Don't be silly. You didn't "deserve" that dream just because you said something to someone. But I hate vivid bad dreams. Good luck with the Lupron shots. Rooting for you here!

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  10. Ew, that's an awful dream about the eggs. No, you don't deserve it because of something you said. You are already sorry for what you said and you will find some way to make it up. Sometimes our minds just play the ugliest tricks on us with nasty dreams and thoughts. Just breathe through it.

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  11. UGH. What a terrible dream! I always get weird ones right around my period. Hope this is the last one for a while!

    Thinking of you.

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  12. sometimes you cant exactly psych yourself up for the next round. i have learned it is OK to just go through the motions. Thinking of you!

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  13. Aww, I'm sorry for the bad dreams! That really sucks. However, bad dreams are not reality, thank goodness!!! My only side effect from Lupron was insane tiredness the first time around. My second time on Lupron didn't seem to effect me much. Weellllll, I might have had a few headaches, but I don't know if that was Lupron related. Good luck Aramis!

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  14. Hope you are ok. Horrible dream. Sending you strengths

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  15. That sounds like an awful dream. Sorry you are dealing with so much right now.

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!