Monday, 30 September 2013

What I've become

The great ute reboot is underway.  Last Wednesday I received my first Lupron depot injection.  Right in the butt.  And here I thought that since my RE uses Crinone instead PIO injections that I'd escaped the dreaded butt-shot monster.  Alas, no such luck.  Oh infertility.  You always find a way, don't you?  So far so good, but I'm not even a week in yet.  I think the worst of the side effects (hot flashes, headaches, moodiness, etc) don't kick in for a week or two.  M is currently enjoying the calm before the storm.

(Side note:  If you Google "butt injection" looking for funny pictures of people getting shots in the ass with which to illustrate your point, you will instead find horrific plastic-surgery-gone-wrong photos.  I won't inflict them on you.  No need to thank me.)

October marks the two-year point in our attempt to have children.  After getting married in April 2011, we (foolishly, it now seems) decided to wait six months to start trying.  I had just turned 35, but we wanted a short while to enjoy being newlyweds before we threw kids into the mix.  We also had a friend's wedding in Jamaica in January 2012, so we figured if we waited until September to start trying, I'd only be three or four months along if it happened right away (OH HO HO HA HA HA) so we could still travel.  So in September we ditched the condoms and in October 2011, for the first time ever in my life, I hoped that I wouldn't get a period.

 It seems like a lifetime ago.  

When I started reading infertility blogs, I marveled at how long some of these women had been trying to conceive.  How many cycles they'd been through.  How many tests.  All the diagnoses.  The losses and the heartaches.  And it scared me.  I didn't want to go on this journey.  I didn't know how I'd get through what these other women had experienced.  I wanted to be the person who got unexpectedly pregnant while waiting for her first RE appointment.  Or at the very least, who had a success on her first IVF cycle.  But I was neither of those people.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I haven't really had too bad a go of it.  Every time I read about another miscarriage, I thank my lucky stars that it hasn't happened to me.  Yet.  I know it's still a possibility, but I've begun to feel more and more like I'm someone who just won't ever know what it's like to be pregnant.  Which is its own kind of torture, really.  To never know that joy of seeing a second line.  To never have that moment, however brief, of imagining your future play out like you planned it.  But never having that means that it never gets taken away, so I guess that's something.

I never thought I'd be here.  I never wanted to be here.  Two years later, two egg retrievals under my belt.  One failed embryo transfer, and an uncertain future.  A TTC timeline growing longer by the day.  I've become one of those women I whose blogs I was reading two years ago.  One of those women that I didn't want to become. 

26 comments:

  1. Oh Aramis, I hear you. I never though I'd be an infertility vet either! 2 egg retrievals, 2 failed transfers and a failed donor IUI. I used to read those blogs and wonder where those women got their strength to keep doing treatment. How they remained so hopeful for a miracle after so many disappointments. Now, we are those women! And we are still hopeful that we will someday end this journey with a baby in our arms. That little spark of hope is tenacious, eh?!

    I believe in miracles, and I am hoping and praying that you receive one. I will be cheering you on so loudly over this next cycle that you will hear me from 2 provinces away ;)

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    1. Your comments always manage to bring tears to my eyes! You are such a sweetheart. I'm cheering for you too, whether it's through adoption or otherwise. :)

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  2. We've all become what we never wanted to in the first place: infertile! And that leads to so many other actions....I'm going for my 3rd egg retrieval a few months from now, and I just have a gut feeling that it won't work. I don't know how I could have done this before the internet existed--it's bloggers like you who've kept me from going looney. This is the most depressing, awful experience that I've voluntarily put myself through, and I wanted none of it but here I am again..... Good luck Aramis; I actually get the feeling that you're going to succeed before I do.

    --Ellen

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    1. "We've all become what we never wanted to in the first place: infertile!" Truer words were never spoken.

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  3. We're on nearly the same time line -October 2011 is when I removed my IUD, exactly two weeks after Myrtle's wedding as I was concerned about even being five minutes pregnant at that event. I never imagined that I'd be one of these women, and I never dreamed that I'd *meet* so many amazing other women like you along the way :)

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    1. Aww, I'm blushing. I still find it hard to believe you've been at it for two years and haven't done IVF yet...but I'm also have a pretty strong feeling that once you do, you'll be off this roller coaster for good!

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    2. Delay to IVF: Denial in Action!

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  4. October 2011 is our two year mark too. I never wanted to be this person. The person with losses, the person with the litany of infertility treatments under her belt... the one always watching from the sidelines when baby after baby is born. In fact, I remember seeing a woman at my RE's office during my first appointment with a really thick chart - so thick the binding was ripping. I thought to myself, "I will never be like her." Famous last words. I'm now the one with the chart so thick and heavy they jokingly hand it to my husband to carry to check out. Keep the hope alive, though. I also believe in miracles and I will keep my fingers crossed you have one coming your way soon.

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    1. Yeah, my chart is getting thicker by the visit as well! I often wonder if the staff or doctors have patients that they "root for" more than others based on how long they've been around. Or betting pools on how much longer it'll take...if at all!

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  5. This is really good. I remember feeling the EXACT same way when I started reading blogs. When I'd come across a blog of a woman trying for five years, I'd immediately think "oh my gosh" right before "I can't follow her" followed closely by "please not me". It was shocking and I remember wondering how the women got to that point.... My two year mark has passed... my two years of treatment will hopefully be celebrated with my first IVF in January. I have slowly learned this stuff just takes time. It's a process. A slow, painful process.

    Hoping the lupron treats you well!

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    1. Thanks! So far so good. Long ways to go yet, though.

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  6. Oh Aramis, me too..... I don't want to be here, either :( But if I have to be, then I'm glad I have bloggie friends like you :) Hang in there! xoxo

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    1. Me too, the bloggy friends are what keeps me going! xoxo back

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  7. Thinking of you. I'm noticing that October is a pretty sucky month all around these parts. Sorry it is for you, too.

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  8. I'm coming out from under the fog of my move and my somewhat unsuccessful ER--more on that later--but I hear you. I'm coming up on my 2 year anniversary of TTC and it feels like with each cycle it gets more and more bleak. In some ways it feels like it's gone by in a blink of an eye, but occasionally I think to myself, man, if things had been different I would have an 18 month old and probably be thinking about my second. I'm hoping beyond hope that this reboot works for you and you see that second line.

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    1. I know. It's especially hard when you see people who cycled with you having their babies. Something I always read about but am now experiencing.

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  9. I don't think any of us thought we'd end up spending so much time in an RE's office or shooting ourselves up with hormones just to make a baby. It seems so simple for everyone else. It's not fair, but you've handled everything with grace and a sense of humor. Plus, you've been a great support to those in the trenches with you and beyond. Hang in there. Maybe the Lupron is just the thing you need to make this work!

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  10. Nothing to add, but just want to give you a cyber hug <<<<>>>>

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  11. I'm so sorry you, and the rest of us, have had to experience this infertility ride. It just sucks, plain and simple. I really, really, really hope this cycle will be the one that works for you. I always had my Lupron injections in my stomach, so I don't quite know why yours are in the butt? I do have to tell you though, from a needle phobe like me, I would MUCH rather do PIO injections than use Crinone! Just an FYI. My body does not handle the crinone very well. Let's just say.... Fire crotch. Worst ever! Tmi? Can't seem to avoid it in this world! Hugs to you as you move forward. I am crossing my fingers for you.

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  12. Heh, you remind me it's also our "2 year anniversary" of trying to conceive. I agree it feels much, much longer. We waited a year after marriage before trying. Sometimes I think that was a mistake but then I think: it was good to have a year of marriage without worrying about infertility! Then there was a year of trying naturally. Then almost a year of tests and referrals and waiting and waiting. I so identified with your paragraph about wondering if you are that person who simply never gets pregnant. I also feel grateful about never having had a miscarriage, but also fearing it could happen, and at the same time wishing for that feeling of buoyancy after a positive test, whether or not it lasts. So many things to wonder about! and at the end of the day, what is the point of wondering? Anyway, it is a twisty road we walk. Thinking of you and hoping the best for all of us still waiting and wondering.

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  13. Wow, what was it with October 2011? That's also when I went off the pill. Possibly September, it's been a while... I remember my husband and I barely had sex after that because we didn't want to get knocked up until after my sister's early December wedding. Hilarious for so many reasons, including you have to actually get your period in order to get pregnant. I'm here, 2 years later, finally knocked up after IVF which I swore I'd never, ever do.
    My Resolve group leader told us regarding infertility, "You don't get to sit on the edge of the pool and dip your toes in the water. You're either completely dry or in the deep end." Sending positive to you. I think we're all pretty brave to go through all of this.

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  14. Ohhh what a crappy anniversary. I'm sorry.

    I've spent a lot of time thinking about this very topic...whether it's better to have a miscarriage or to never get a BFP. As if it mattered which one was "better." Fact is, both suck the big one. There's no winning.

    Big hugs to you. P.S., I once Google'd sad butt images for a post about how awful PIO shots are, and I managed to find a sketch of a butt with a sad face with huge tears dropping from it. Really weird. But I still used it, because my butt WAS sad.

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  15. :( I get it, girl. I got married the same day you did. And I didn't start trying until Jan 2012 because of the stupid huge fibroid surgery that I had in Oct 2011. I am approaching my 2 years very soon too. Like you, I never wanted to be here. But I feel like, I have accepted it that it is going to be a long haul for me to ever get a baby. I also wonder about whether or not I'll ever get the thrill of seeing the second line and the feeling of being pregnant. But I have to say, I feel better this year than last year because we ARE doing something and I have a sense of relief once we decided to go down the IVF route. I am not fighting the urge to avoid this route anymore since we're here already. I am hoping and praying that this reboot of your system will be the key of your sticky sticky bean. (Don't know why but your post didn't show up on my reader until 2 days later.)

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  16. I know what you mean. I've become one of them too. Sucks. For both of us. I hope this Lupron Depot thing does the trick.

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  17. October was the month I threw out the birth control pills, as well. About 6 months after we got married. This was in 2008, though. I never imagined this was the path we would end up on. I was so afraid of infertility that I waited 2 years before going to see an RE. I somehow thought if I didn't have a diagnoses, then it wasn't actually a problem. Oh, denial.
    I hope the Lupron isn't too brutal. Most importantly, I hope it does the trick!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!