Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Insert clever retrieval title here

I won't make those of you with busy lives wait until the end of this post.  We got 7 eggs.  My RE is hopeful that 5 of those will be mature.

And I cried on the retrieval table.  Again.

My emotionless resolve started to break somewhere around noon yesterday.  I was at work, and I was bored because I wasn't very busy, and I started getting anxious.  My stomach worked itself into a ball of knots.  Then I got home and had things to do and I felt OK again.  I walked Buddy.  I ran to Target to pick up a gift to mail to my niece for her birthday.  I also got some lightbulbs, the non-energy efficient kind.  Normally I try to be as nice to Mother Earth as possible, but on the weekend I had bought a new lamp for our living room and installed some of those high-efficiency CFL lights and absolutely hated them.  Instead of being warm and homey, the light these bulbs gave off was cold and stark.  It make our living room feel like a lab.  So I decided to swap them out for some normal incandescents, and in taking out the CFL bulbs I accidentally broke one.

M freaked out.  Apparently CFLs contain mercury and there are very specific instructions on how to clean up when you break one, involving scary things like airing the room out for 15 minutes, using rubber gloves, and putting all of the particles in a freezer bag to prevent any more mercury vapour from being released.  None of which I knew anything about, so M's reaction kind of pushed me over the edge.  I felt stupid and terrible and worried.  Like I couldn't do anything right, even change a fucking lightbulb, let alone make a goddamn baby.

By the time we went to bed, I was pretty much feeling ALL THE FEELS that I'd been shunting away all week.  The fear that we'll get yet another shitty crop of eggs.  The guilt for putting us through this.  A heaping dose of self-pity.  And some new unpleasantness: the grief of saying goodbye to my chances of ever having my own biological child.  Because, my friends, I'm pretty sure this is it.  Whatever happens this week, I am as close to certain as I can be right now that this will be our last egg retrieval. While I'd be ecstatic to be proven wrong, I'm pretty sure my eggs (no matter how many of them there are) just aren't going to cut it.

We got up at the ungodly hour of 5:30am to be at the clinic for our 7:00 retrieval.  It was dark and muggy when we got into the car.  There was no traffic and we arrived even before most of the clinic staff, so we sat in the waiting room all alone until a few of the nurses finally arrived to prep me.  Then, a needle-phobe's worst nightmare: the nurse screwed up the IV she was putting into my arm.  She fidgeted.  She poked.  She prodded.  Then she took the fucking thing out and started all over on the other side.  Between my needle phobia and the residual bad feelings of the night before, by the time she was done I was already fighting back tears.

Then, the retrieval.  My RE asked how I'd been doing and I told her honestly that I was disappointed with how few eggs we'd be getting this time.  She was understanding but said that there was no guarantee any other month would be better, so we just had to hope for quality.  Then she asked whether I had been comfortable the first time during retrieval, and I told her no.  They decided to give me more drugs than before.  Which helped a little, but there was still pain.  Damn my right ovary for being uncooperative.  But just like last time, right when it seemed that the pain was getting too much, it was over.

They told us they got seven eggs.  I should have been happy, but all I could think was that they won't all be mature and they won't all fertilize.  I just felt hopeless.

My RE asked if I was ok.  And I wanted to say yes because physically I was but emotionally, I was so very not.  So like a big fucking baby, I started to cry.  And she put her hand on my shoulder and told me it was ok, that she knew how overwhelming it all was.  I just cried harder.

 Honestly, I liked it better the other way.

24 comments:

  1. I'm not sure what to say other than I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to go through this and have to feel all the feels. Being anti-feeling helps me as well during hard times, but when those bastards break the dam, it's overwhelming.

    I hope so much that your eggs are good quality and give you guys a chance <3

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  2. Oh Aramis.... I am so sorry!! I know you are going through a tough time and you might not want to even hear this, but my friend had 4 eggs retrieved, 2 embryos made it to day 3, and she had twins. I had 29 eggs retrieved, 2 blasts transferred and got a BFN. You just never know which emrbyos will result in a baby.

    I am sending you tons of good vibes and positive thoughts.

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    1. I know this is an old post, but how old was your friend?

      --Ellen

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  3. Thinking of and praying for you. Glad retrieval is over and looking forward to hearing the lab reports. xo

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  4. Oh, I'm sorry that you're disappointed. You do never know, and who knows how this will turn out. But that feeling in the pit of your stomach is the worst; I feel that way most of the time. I spend considerable energy trying to move emotionless through the process and then, out of know where, I start crying.

    Hopefully these 5 will be mature and that they'll fertilize well, and it will all be worth it. Thinking about you.

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  5. I completely relate to feeling emotional on the retrieval table--and everywhere else at the RE's office. Here's to maturing eggs and a good transfer! ps: I also started dating my DH in January of 2009! Must have been a lucky month.

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  6. Fertility treatment sucks. I'm sending hopeful vibes your way. It ain't over til its over. Hang in there.

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  7. Fingers crossed for some beautiful embryos!

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  8. I am praying hard for a good report. Praying hard & sending big hugs. XOXOXO

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  9. Oh, I don't envy you that stress. I'm sorry that it made you break, and I'm hoping you feel better now that you let it all out.

    I'm also hoping for a good fertilization report. There's literally nothing more you can do - it's done. There has to be some relief in that.

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  10. I'm sure this won't make you feel better, but for what it's worth: 7 eggs is actually great for DOR at your age! Gypsy Mama makes a great point in her comments above--it's all a crapshoot and you don't know until it's over.

    --Ellen

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  11. A cry can be good at times; hey you've got stuff to work with. Fingers crossed for your fertilisation report.

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  12. thinking and hoping for nothing but the best for you

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  13. 1. You're all pumped full of hormones and going through one of the most physically and emotionally taxing experiences there is, in the hopes it will change your life forever. You're allowed to feel stuff and especially to cry. I know it sucks to do it in front of people, though.

    2. I'm sending those eggs lots of mature and good-fertilization vibes and hoping for fantastic lab reports.

    3. Take care of yourself. You've done everything you can, and what happens now is going to turn out however it turns out. Big, big hugs to you!

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  14. Aramis, I just want to reach through the screen and give you a great big hug. I can so relate to your feelings of this is it and it being your last chance with your eggs. I've been there and no that feeling all too well, before we had to come to the conclusion that my body just wasn't going to do it. I would have been ecstatic with 7, but only ever had 5 at most. Then next came feeling like we were at the end of our chances when we used donor eggs. It didn't look like we'd have any extra to freeze, but then we miraculously did! Then if that FET didn't work, it truly was the end for us, but now here we sit with twins on the way. I think you've done an amazing job of staying neutral, but when it comes down to it, you want this so badly and you can't bottle up all those hormonal enhanced emotions! Hang in there! I've been thinking about you a ton!

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  15. Seven is amazing!! But I totally know how you feel... The negative thoughts and the feeling of hopelessness even after a good retrieval. We are all here praying for a gret fertilization report for you! XO

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  16. Sending nothing but love and hugs your way. Seven is a great number! hang in there (((HUGS)))

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  17. Ok! When I read the number of eggs, I gave you an imaginary high five. I am so excited. I understand why the fearful feelings crept in and it's okay. I'm rooting for you. I know you're rooting for yourself. I can't wait for the next update.

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  18. I'm so sorry. I will be praying for awesome embryos!

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  19. I totally get why you're fearful. I was there this past cycle. Hoping for great great outcome for you for this cycle!

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  20. {{Hugs}} to you. I'm so sorry you feel disappointed. Though I haven't been through IVF, I know how easy it is to worry and feel disappointed when things don't happen quite how you expect it. Will be hoping for a great fertilization report, and that in the end one (or more?) of these will stick around for the long haul. Best wishes!

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  21. YAY retrieval day! This process is just so ridiculously overwhelming! I'm also sending you a hug and cheering on your 7 embryos in training!

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  22. more is not better, better is better! I hope that you have a good fertilization report. We will be here for you no matter how it goes! Let yourself have that time to feel bad but make sure you take care of yourself!!

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!