All over the map

I've been on a total roller coaster for the past couple of weeks while getting ready for this FET.  When we got back from Mexico, I was down.  I was convinced that the cycle would fail and I almost didn't even want to start it.  Then, miraculously, I began feeling more positive.  I started doing some visualization exercises.  Nothing structured, but just more like letting my imagination run away with me.  I would picture M and I in the hospital after delivering our baby, receiving visitors.  I'd imagine taking cute pictures of the baby napping on M's chest, or flash forward to our excitement as our child takes his or her first steps.  Just to make it realistic, I'd even put some of the crappy stuff in there too, like hauling ourselves out of bed for late night feedings or freaking out over the baby's first high fever. 

Then, somewhere in the last week or two, the roller coaster started rocketing back down again.  Today, it seems to have hit a new low.  Not only am I thinking negatively about this FET, but I'm starting to wonder if I should even be doing IVF in the first place. 

As someone with Diminshed Ovarian Reserve (DOR), I tend to gravitate towards blogs of women with a similar diagnosis.  Some of these have found success through IVF, and some of them are still slugging it out with me in the trenches.  As a general rule, we tend to realize that our chances of IVF success are lower than normal.  And yet we soldier on, hoping that we'll be the success story.

Except when we don't.  In the last little while, I've come across a couple of bloggers who have been newly diagnosed with DOR or low AMH.  For whatever reason, their doctors have sat them down and told them that there's nothing to be done.  They're out of the game.  Do not stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Go directly to donor egg.

Obviously, I know there's no single answer here.  Every patient is different.  But in almost every case, my AMH is lower than theirs.  By way of reminder, my AMH is 1.2 pmol/L, or 0.17 ng/ml.  That's "very low/undetectable" for anyone who's counting.  It's about as shitty as it gets.  And yet, when I asked my RE whether she thought we should even bother with IVF and try donor eggs instead based on those numbers, she seemed surprised.  She estimated that our chances of IVF success wouldn't be much lower than anyone else in my general age group, and that there was absolutely no reason to be thinking about donor egg at this point.

Today, I'm questioning that decision big time.  Out of 8 mature eggs, only 4 were good enough to fertilize.  Only one made it to day 5.  At best, I feel like my RE was overly optimistic.  At worst, she's delusional and trying to bilk us out of a lot of money.  Today, I feel like we've probably just wasted a lot of time and money on something that is virtually certain to fail.  Everyone else's doctor seems to think so, given numbers similar to mine.  I kind of feel like we're idiots for thinking otherwise.

I know I need to try to turn this around before the transfer on Friday.  It would be great to go into this FET with a positive (or at the very least neutral) attitude.  But for now, here's me: