Sorry

Yesterday, I managed a consecutive five hours without crying.  The tears were on and off the rest of the time.  Mostly on.  But we had friends (not close ones, so they don't know about our infertility) scheduled to come over for a game night.  M suggested cancelling, but I'm glad we went ahead with it.  I popped my Dungeons & Dragons cherry and actually laughed quite a bit.  I had fun.  Then, when they left, I went to bed and cried again.

I tested again this morning.  No change.  I told my mom and sister that it was over.  My mom is disappointed but accepting.  Unfortunately, the fact that my clinic won't do a beta until 14dp5dt has my sister convinced that I might be wrong.  She claims to have gotten BFNs until well into her pregnancy with my niece, at least a week or two after she missed her period.  She says she was nauseated for no reason and did several negative tests before finally going to her doctor for a checkup, and the bloodwork revealed she was pregnant.  I told her that while I appreciated what she was trying to do, it wasn't helpful for me right now.  I thought these stories only existed on old web forum threads.  Turns out I'm related to one.

There's a lot of silence around here, punctuated by my sniffles.  M is quiet.  When asked, he'll tell me that he's feeling disappointed and helpless.  Then he distracts himself by thinking about his latest electronic gadget or home theatre project.  He openly admits he's probably not processing it.  That's OK.  I'm probably processing enough for the two of us. 

...

Today I went six consecutive hours without crying.  We went to M's parents' for Easter dinner.  He called ahead while I was in the shower and gave his mom the news as an advance warning.  He said it was better not to talk about it with me unless I brought it up, which of course I didn't so as to avoid bawling like a baby.  It was the elephant in the room.  Unfortunately for me, M's mom is subscribing to the same school of thought as my sister and I didn't get an offer of wine with dinner.  Good thing she doesn't know that I'd already damaged my non-existent fetus by taking two extra-strength ibuprofen to deal with my I've-been-crying-for-6-hours-straight migraine.  Tylenol doesn't do shit for me and I'm miserable enough without having a headache all day.

I can't think of anything to say to M other than "I'm sorry".  I'm sorry that this didn't work.  I'm sorry that I can't bear your child.  I'm sorry for crying.  I'm sorry for bringing you down when you seem to be doing OK.  I'm sorry I'm terrible to be around right now.  I'm sorry sorry sorry.  He just holds me and tells me not to apologize.  It makes me cry harder.

...

I just read this post by Daryl.  The last two paragraphs feel like she crawled inside my head.  So...what she said.  I'm sorry if I'm out of it for a while.  There I go, apologizing again.

I know I'll come out the other side of this.  I always do.  This is really no different than the dozen or more failed natural cycles we've had in the past year and a half.  It was just a lot more expensive.  I only wish I didn't have to trudge through the hurt to get there.  Is there a way to skip this part?  I want to skip this part.  This part sucks.