Sunday, 31 March 2013

Sorry

Yesterday, I managed a consecutive five hours without crying.  The tears were on and off the rest of the time.  Mostly on.  But we had friends (not close ones, so they don't know about our infertility) scheduled to come over for a game night.  M suggested cancelling, but I'm glad we went ahead with it.  I popped my Dungeons & Dragons cherry and actually laughed quite a bit.  I had fun.  Then, when they left, I went to bed and cried again.

I tested again this morning.  No change.  I told my mom and sister that it was over.  My mom is disappointed but accepting.  Unfortunately, the fact that my clinic won't do a beta until 14dp5dt has my sister convinced that I might be wrong.  She claims to have gotten BFNs until well into her pregnancy with my niece, at least a week or two after she missed her period.  She says she was nauseated for no reason and did several negative tests before finally going to her doctor for a checkup, and the bloodwork revealed she was pregnant.  I told her that while I appreciated what she was trying to do, it wasn't helpful for me right now.  I thought these stories only existed on old web forum threads.  Turns out I'm related to one.

There's a lot of silence around here, punctuated by my sniffles.  M is quiet.  When asked, he'll tell me that he's feeling disappointed and helpless.  Then he distracts himself by thinking about his latest electronic gadget or home theatre project.  He openly admits he's probably not processing it.  That's OK.  I'm probably processing enough for the two of us. 

...

Today I went six consecutive hours without crying.  We went to M's parents' for Easter dinner.  He called ahead while I was in the shower and gave his mom the news as an advance warning.  He said it was better not to talk about it with me unless I brought it up, which of course I didn't so as to avoid bawling like a baby.  It was the elephant in the room.  Unfortunately for me, M's mom is subscribing to the same school of thought as my sister and I didn't get an offer of wine with dinner.  Good thing she doesn't know that I'd already damaged my non-existent fetus by taking two extra-strength ibuprofen to deal with my I've-been-crying-for-6-hours-straight migraine.  Tylenol doesn't do shit for me and I'm miserable enough without having a headache all day.

I can't think of anything to say to M other than "I'm sorry".  I'm sorry that this didn't work.  I'm sorry that I can't bear your child.  I'm sorry for crying.  I'm sorry for bringing you down when you seem to be doing OK.  I'm sorry I'm terrible to be around right now.  I'm sorry sorry sorry.  He just holds me and tells me not to apologize.  It makes me cry harder.

...

I just read this post by Daryl.  The last two paragraphs feel like she crawled inside my head.  So...what she said.  I'm sorry if I'm out of it for a while.  There I go, apologizing again.

I know I'll come out the other side of this.  I always do.  This is really no different than the dozen or more failed natural cycles we've had in the past year and a half.  It was just a lot more expensive.  I only wish I didn't have to trudge through the hurt to get there.  Is there a way to skip this part?  I want to skip this part.  This part sucks.

18 comments:

  1. I wish I could say something that would makes all of this easier or at least help provide some answers. But I know better. Do what you need to do to get through the next few days (that includes consuming alcohol). And know that you are being sent love and light from afar.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This part does suck. I'm two weeks in and still feel like shit. I don't know when it will get better, but I just keep hoping it does.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs from one sad girl to another. Hang in there, pretty girl.

    ReplyDelete
  4. there is no way out, just through. thinking of you

    ReplyDelete
  5. This part does really suck- and I am so sorry. Thinking of you lots. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm sorry, too. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh I am so sorry. This sucks. Sending hugs

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't now what else to say except I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some sage words of advice, but really nothing makes it any easier. Take whatever time you need and take care of yourself. We're here for you when you are ready.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take the hurt away somehow. Do whatever you need to do to get through this. We'll all be here for you whenever you need us. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  10. Shit, I've just been staring at this post for ages, reading and re-reading it, thinking that I must have missed something... that this isn't how it was supposed to turn out. That fucking single line just ruins people's lives, I can't stand it. I'm sure you're coping with insane bouts of grief and shock right now, so I will just take it upon myself to be really REALLY angry for you. And screw the clinic for making you wait until Friday, that's just torture.

    Anyway, take all the time you need... it does help to write through grief, but you need some time to hide under the covers, too. With a bottle of wine and horrible horrible junk food. Sending you strength and love...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ugh, I'm so sorry. :-( I wish you could skip this part as well.

    This IS different than the natural cycles. Not only have you put money into it, but also drugs and more effort.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm really wishing that it could have been a different outcome for you. This freaking sucks. I know what those days are like too (7 failed FETs and IVFs, and now 3 canceled cycles). Be extra kind to yourself if you can.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Crying has always been my escape through the hard times, and I 100% know the exquisite pain of the headache that you speak of. Thinking of you...

    ReplyDelete
  14. God how I wish we could skip this part... or at the very least KNOW that there will be a BFP at the end of it all. I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through right now. It sounds like you have a good support system and we are all here for you too. Plus, having a good cry always helps...

    ReplyDelete
  15. 14dp5dt? Oh my garsh, that is so late and so incredibly unfair to make you wait that long. While I'm sure you appreciate your sister for trying, sometimes our loved ones just end up saying all the wrong things. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, but so thankful your husband is being such a rock of solidarity for you. Your in my thoughts Aramis. Big hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I know there are no words to offer, but when you're ready for a good laugh, this helps
    http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CSK1D3bZhRs
    If the link doesn't work go to youtube and search "Cat Vs Printer -the translation" by Slurpy J

    ReplyDelete
  17. There are no words that can take away the pain, unfortunately known by experience. The first few days and weeks are rough. Do what you need to do to get through. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I hadn't commented before because... I don't know. It hit close to home?

    I've said "I'm sorry" too. And I am. Even though we shouldn't have to feel that way.

    I hate that you are going through this.

    ReplyDelete

I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!