Thursday, 28 March 2013

The impossible dream

I hope my last post wasn't misleading.  Reading the comments, I got the sense that you guys thought that I was currently having some or all of the symptoms that I talked about.  I'm not.  I was just going through all of the ways that I've deceived myself in the past.  Right now I'm 6dp5dt, and I'm feeling absolutely nothing. 

I know logically that there's lots of women who have no symptoms until well after a BFP.  And I could very well be one of those women.  But it just seems like what could potentially be happening inside me is so momentous, so earth-shatteringly life-changing, that I should be feeling something.  Anything!  Especially when I'm spending the vast majority of my day thinking about it.  But no.

So at this point I've basically convinced myself that we're headed for a negative.  I keep trying to visualize otherwise, but it's incredibly hard to imagine.  I mean, conceptually speaking, I can do it.  I know what it feels like to pee on a stick.  I know that my heart pounds and my stomach flip-flops for those three interminable minutes.  I can imagine picking the test up off the edge of the sink, looking at it, and seeing those two pink lines.  But it feels the same as if I'm imagining myself flying.  I can picture myself flapping my arms and lifting off the ground.  I can even imagine the feel of the wind rushing past my face as I propel myself through the air.  And yet, there's no reality to it.  It's whimsical.  I can imagine it while at the same time knowing that it will never, ever happen.  And that's what it feels like when I imagine a positive pregnancy test.  It's beautiful, but it feels totally and completely out of the bounds of possibility.

11 comments:

  1. I feel the exact same way... I always wonder if women who have gone through infertility treatments (especially failed cycles) and end up getting a BFP someday felt the same as us, or if they always really truly believed it.

    I am really hoping that your dreams come true :)

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  2. Ditto on hoping for the impossible dream. Sometimes it's best to prepare for the worst and possibly be surprised (which I hope is the case)!

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  3. I hope you're wrong. I totally know what you mean in your post though.... I seriously feel like those could have been my words.

    I will be thinking lots of positive thoughts for you. xo

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  4. I didn't have any significant symptoms during my 2 week wait. I'm also assuming you are on progesterone, which can create similar symptoms to pregnancy -- but I didn't even really have those symptoms either. Hope this is meaning good news for you!

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  5. The flying analogy. That is exactly everything I feel, but have never been able to say. So I sit here. 14dpiui, a handful of negative pregnancy tests, and still no period. I feel like I'm waiting on the plane, for the pilot to show up and sweep me off to Babyville. Or to call in sick for this flight. Again. For another month. Sigh.

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  6. Yup. I've so been there. But I sincerely hope this cycle ends with a BFP for you!

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  7. I feel the same way. I hope, though, that this time is different for you. For all of us...

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  8. So excited for you and hoping for those two lines!

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  9. Omg the suspense is killing me! I know how you feel, but think of all the women who get BFPs on the cycles when they have the LEAST hope and end up waiting until their period is three days late before testing because they are THAT CONVINCED that it failed. Also think of all the women who don't even realize they're pregnant until they're three months along because they have absolutely NO symptoms (my mother gets patients like this all the time). And I was in the same position -- I felt nada at the time I got my BFP, like seriously nothing whatsoever. So don't give up hope just yet.

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  10. I just found your blog and I'm wishing you the best. Don't know exactly when your beta day is or when you are planning to test, but this last few days are torture!! Wishing you the absolute best!

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  11. I didn't believe it even AFTER getting the positive! I've been reading several blogs from women who have just recently gotten their bfp's and didn't feel any symptoms. I'm holding out the hope that you are going to be joining their club. I can't wait till you find out! When is your beta?

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I'm needy and your comments validate me. Help a sister out!