The impossible dream

I hope my last post wasn't misleading.  Reading the comments, I got the sense that you guys thought that I was currently having some or all of the symptoms that I talked about.  I'm not.  I was just going through all of the ways that I've deceived myself in the past.  Right now I'm 6dp5dt, and I'm feeling absolutely nothing. 

I know logically that there's lots of women who have no symptoms until well after a BFP.  And I could very well be one of those women.  But it just seems like what could potentially be happening inside me is so momentous, so earth-shatteringly life-changing, that I should be feeling something.  Anything!  Especially when I'm spending the vast majority of my day thinking about it.  But no.

So at this point I've basically convinced myself that we're headed for a negative.  I keep trying to visualize otherwise, but it's incredibly hard to imagine.  I mean, conceptually speaking, I can do it.  I know what it feels like to pee on a stick.  I know that my heart pounds and my stomach flip-flops for those three interminable minutes.  I can imagine picking the test up off the edge of the sink, looking at it, and seeing those two pink lines.  But it feels the same as if I'm imagining myself flying.  I can picture myself flapping my arms and lifting off the ground.  I can even imagine the feel of the wind rushing past my face as I propel myself through the air.  And yet, there's no reality to it.  It's whimsical.  I can imagine it while at the same time knowing that it will never, ever happen.  And that's what it feels like when I imagine a positive pregnancy test.  It's beautiful, but it feels totally and completely out of the bounds of possibility.